


I'll Go With You

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy Appreciation Week, Connor Murphy week, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Road Trips, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, Underage Drinking, Weed mention, Zoe needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: "Don't you want me to leave? Isn't this like, great for you?”"Connor, you're barefoot, crying, it's 2am, and I'm worried. You may not be my favorite person, but I don't want you to disappear. You're still my brother, dumbass."





	1. DAY ONE

**Author's Note:**

> My submission for Connor Murphy Appreciation Week :) 
> 
> This is gonna be a sibling centric fic. Those kids need some happy. Enjoy!

**May 27th Voices in my Head and Monsters Under the Bed / Roadtrip**   
  
They always say crazy people hear voices. In movies, books, the news, any kind of mainstream media really. But what really defines as ‘voices’? Like actual personalities? Your subconscious speaking to you? A vague feeling of right and wrong that just happens to take appearance as a voice? … Unwanted thoughts pushing you towards their unsavory agendas?   
  
Connor isn’t crazy. He’s not. At least… not in the media’s voices sense. He doesn’t think so, at least. Maybe he is crazy. Maybe Connor really is a monster and he just hasn’t come to realize it yet. Doesn’t the crazy trope also come with the subject being unaware? Crazy people don’t know they’re really crazy and all that. So is he crazy after all? Is just the simple act of debating whether or not he’s crazy automatically label him as such?   
  
He curls further around himself, back pushed up against the cold unforgiving wall of his closet. It was safe in here. Away from the monsters lurking under his bed. It was childish, sure, but when your worst fears stalk you day and night, Connor liked to think it wasn’t too weird that he’d find a small comfort in the tight confines of his bedroom closet. No one ever thought to look here after all. When Cynthia or Larry come looking for him they usually assumed he was out, rather than looking around the house. He was 19 years old, why would he be hiding in a closet? Debating the questionable sanity he’d be gifted with.   
  
Out there, there was pain and fear. Doubts and anger and yelling, and everything Connor wished he could stop. And yet with every fight it became harder and harder to keep a level head. He became less and less like the Connor he wanted to be and more like the Connor they all saw him as. The Connor that was  is crazy.   
  
A whimper escaped his pale, cracked lips. When was the last time he’d drank anything? The simple fact that his arms no longer stung as bad as they did when he first crawled in here was enough of an answer to determine it must’ve been awhile. His face was suspiciously dry as well, now rather than dripping and flushed, it was caked with salt and cold. Everything felt fuzzy and slow, but now that he’d pointed it out, his aching throat won out. On shaking legs, Connor managed to pull himself up and slip the dirty sleeves of his hoodie back down. A vague twinge shot up his wrist. Connor sighed as he pushed the door open enough to stumble out into the dark room. It was bad again. He remembered a time when he’d full on flinch from the smallest of cuts. Now… well. Now was different.   
  
He ran a hand slowly through his greasy hair as he pushed his door open. It was beat up and old looking, much unlike the rest of the house. Larry had long since stopped caring about replacing it. This was,,,, the fourth door, Connor thinks? Yeah. Yeah, he’s broken three doors now. Larry had threatened that if he broke this one, he wouldn’t be getting another. Though the door really wasn’t always so luckily, it was better than the past three he’d had. The house was too quiet for it to be any earlier. A shout rang through his head, a remembrance from earlier that night.   
  
Yelling. Anger. A fist through the wall. A typical night in the Murphy home. He rubbed his eye with a tired groan, frowning at the weird feeling of wiping dried tears across your face. Maybe he should rinse his face off while he was up. As he approached the kitchen however, he heard Zoe’s voice drifting around. Connor slinked back against the wall, not exactly eavesdropping but, well… okay yeah, he was eavesdropping. Fuck off.   
  
“God, it was bad. I thought he’d been getting better, ya know? Like maybe not  _ better _ better, but he wasn’t yelling and fighting with dad as much. Tonight though... He just started yelling and then he broke a picture of our grandma on the wall when he punched it. I-” There was a short pause. “Oh uh no I don’t know. I ran to my room after that. He likes to yell at me after he yells at dad.” There was a second pause, this one longer. Connor felt like retching. “No he hasn’t yet. But there’s been some close calls. Remember when I told you he threw a plate at me? I swear, he’s fucking crazy, Alana. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. What? Nononono. I’ve tried to reach out to him. He just yells and throws something at me. He hates me. It’s obvious. I’m the ‘ _ perfect _ ’ kid, didn’t you know? At least that’s what he says.”   
  
He was frozen. He knew it was true. Everything she said. Well… except he could never hate her. Maybe sometimes, but… never for long. Never for real. But that was what Zoe thought of him. That’s what they all thought of him. The crazy, uncontrollable freak. The kid that hates everything. That throws things and punches walls and breaks everything. How could Connor ever love anything? How… How could anyone ever love Connor. A freak like him? He’d always known this, somewhere deep inside his conscious. It was obvious in almost every interaction he had with his family. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d hug one of them. Before Junior high school for sure.   
  
“When he actually hits me, I’ll call you immediately, don’t worry. I promise I will.”   
  
He wasn’t sure why that was what cut through his distress, but it did. It cut through sharper than any kind of blade he’d taken to himself. He stepped back, trying to remain quiet, but Connor wasn’t sure of much at the moment. Hot tears pooled at his eyes.  _ When _ . Not If. It was  _ When _ . When he hit her. No possibilities. No faith in him. Just a certainty that it will happen eventually. Connor will hit his sister. And she’ll call her friend and leave. Maybe that was good. Maybe she should leave. Or… he should leave. If he wasn’t here he couldn’t hit her. He gripped his elbows tightly. He should leave. He should get out. Protect Zoe from him. From the crazy in his head. The voices that would eventually drive him to hit her. Why was he shocked she felt that way anyway? Connor had never given Zoe reason to think differently.   
  
Mind made up and tears retracing past lines down his face, Connor folded into his head and swept himself into the kitchen, grabbing his keys from the hook. Zoe jumped, almost dropping her phone.   
  
“Connor! I’m- What-  _ Are you crying!?” _   
  
Connor ignored her, slamming the fridge open and grabbing a few water bottles, stuffing them in his hoodie. He was shaking. He could hear whoever Zoe was talking to on the phone start to shout. Zoe raised it back to her ear.   
  
“Y-Yeah I’m fine. Connor, he just- I’m gonna have to call you back, Alana. Yeah, yeah. I’ll tell you everything, Love you too.” She quickly snapped the phone shut, and edged around the table. “Connor?” She tried, but he could hear the faint tremble in her hushed voice. She was already scared. He should’ve known she’d be scared.   
  
“I’m leaving.” He slammed the fridge shut, wincing. He should probably be a little quieter. Wouldn’t want to wake up his parents. Zoe’s mouth gaped.   
  
“Leaving like… When? Tomorrow? How long? Leaving where?”   
  
“Now. Fuck if I know, Leave me alone.”   
  
She moved to stand in front of him, but Connor easily shoved past her, not caring if he had his wallet upstairs and was barefoot. He’d deal with that later. His arm burned from where he touched her. He needed to get out of here.   
  
Though obviously shaken, Zoe stood firm, moving towards him again. “Is this about what happened with dad? You know he’s just being a dick. Connor, we both know he didn’t actually mean it when he said he’d send you away again. He can't even legally do that anymore.”   
  
“This isn’t about Fucking Larry!” He half shouted. Connor froze for just a second, glancing upstairs. Quiet, right. He let out a frustrated growl, ignoring the wetness on his face. He gripped a handful of hair and stomped his foot, wishing he wasn’t really this pathetic. “Look, Zoe, I’m- Just- Just shut up. Okay? Shut the fuck up and let me through. I’ll fucking push you again if you don’t move out of the way.”   
  
“No! Fuck you, Connor. Don’t tell me to shut up. Did you hear me talking to Alana? Because I was bitching about you fighting with Dad? Just because you have drugs to cope doesn’t mean I want that. So sorry if me complaining to my friend upsets you.”   
  
“This isn’t about- Ugh! No, I’m just-“ Mumbling under his breath, Connor wiped at the mess his face was and pushed her aside, wedging himself through the door. He groaned as heavy footsteps followed behind him. Connor whirled around to face his angry sister. She shut the door and stood a foot away from him, arms crossed.   
  
“Tell me why you’re suddenly leaving. Or I’ll- I’ll wake up dad.”   
  
Rolling his eyes hard, Connor squeezed his fists and shoved them into his hoodie pockets alongside the waters he’d snatched. “I’m just trying to protect you! God, Can’t you see? I’m fucking toxic here. I’m not getting better. I’m not helping anything by staying here. Why are you fighting me on this? I’d think you’d be the first person to want me to leave?”

 

“Fuck you, of course I’m going to fight you! I'm- you know what? I'm coming with you and you can't stop me!”

 

“Coming with- Zoe, you don't even know where I'm going!”

 

“Well neither do you! If I don't go, I'm never going to see you again. I'm coming with whether you like it or not!”

 

With a groan, Connor pressed a hand against his forehead. He could already feel the headache forming. “I’m- don't you want me to leave? Isn't this like, great for you?”

 

“Connor, you're barefoot, crying, it's 2am, and I'm worried. You may not be my favorite person, but _ I don't want you to disappear _ . You're still my brother, dumbass. You've been really quiet lately, except tonight, so sorry if you suddenly wanting to leave freaks me out a little.”

 

“I…” Connor sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets again. He wasn't sure he could look at her right now. “I didn't think you noticed. You said I was gonna hit you. Why aren't you scared of me right now?”

 

“ _ Is that what this is about? _ Connor Lawrence Murphy, I was  _ venting _ . And you haven't exactly given me reasons to think you  _ won't _ ever hit me. But people can  _ change, _ Connor.  _ Oh my God  _ when did you become such a pessimist?”

 

A dry laugh escapes his still parched throat. “I've always been like this, Zo. I just used to ignore it.”

 

She rolls her eyes but for once, Connor wasn't feeling attacked by it. Maybe it was her slight smile, maybe he was too tired. Regardless, it was a connection between them he hadn't felt in a long time, and it was nice.

 

“Are you really planning on leaving?”

 

Staring down at his feet, Connor nodded. Now that he felt a little less emotional, a little more himself, he knew he needed to. He was trying to be better. At least until he had enough money and a plan to keep his crazy from the rest of his family.

 

Zoe sighed, running a hand through her dark hair. A streak of blonde caught his eye. Wasn't it blue or purple or something? “Go get your shoes.”

 

Connor blinked. “Uhh…”

 

“Shoes, Connor. Now. Do you have your wallet? Grab some clothes as well.” She snapped her fingers in front of her face, crossing her arms. “I'm gonna grab some clothes too. I'll meet you down here in 15 minutes, okay?”

 

“I’m… Zoe, what-”

 

“Well, I told you, I'm not letting you go alone. We'll road trip together, okay?”

 

He knew it was a bad idea. Confined in a small space of a car, just him and his sister? This had bad idea written all over it. But Connor couldn't deny that he craved that tiny smile. He missed when they were close. He missed when things were easy and he didn't have nasty voices in his head doubting every decision he made. He missed when he was a decent person. This trip could result in one of two ways. It actually goes well and they somehow mend the broken bond between them. Or it goes horribly, he freaks out, hurts her, and Zoe hates him forever. Though he knew it would be the latter that won out, he was too hopeful for the first scenario to give this up. And if it failed…. Well. At least she'd finally see why she should never talk to him again.

 

With a final sigh, Connor looked up at his expectant sister and nodded very slightly. “I'll… I'll go get my shoes.”


	2. DAY TWO

**May 28th Bedroom Down the Hall / Artist Connor**

 

They'd been driving for three hours; it was quiet between the two. It was obviously still late/early as Connor’s nor had Zoe’s phone rang yet from their parents. To be completely honest, Connor planned to turn his phone off around 6am. As a precautionary measure. He was sure they'd attempt to file kidnapping charges on him if he didn't but… it's whatever. They'll be home in a few days.  
  
He still couldn't believe she came with. Zoe never ceased to surprise him. Even after all he'd done to her, all the reasons he'd given her to hate him, she still insisted on coming with. “I don't want you to disappear”. Connor laughed quietly to himself, casting a glance to his sleeping sister. If only she knew. Some days that was all Connor wanted.  
  
He figured he should probably stop somewhere. They didn't need a hotel or anything. If she was road tripping with him then she'd learn quickly the art of passing out in the car.  
  
Taking the nearest exit, Connor pulled off the highway and parked at the back of a large grocery store. Hopefully, no overly helpful pedestrian decided to check on them. They were just out of town, far enough away to assure Connor his parents wouldn't come looking, but still close enough to set him on edge.  
  
Shutting off the engine, Connor reclined his seat back and determinedly stopped watching Zoe sleep. It was getting a little weird. Let's face it, he'd never understand her. One moment she's scared, waiting for him to attack her, the next she's worried and coming with him on a spontaneous road trip with the hopes to keep him from disappearing forever.  
  
Connor would be lying if he said he was planning on coming back when he'd originally said he was leaving. Just his keys, the clothes on his back, and his car. Away from all this drama. Away from his struggling family.  
  
With a long sigh, he turned in his seat to reach in the back, snatching his headphones from the front pocket of his bag. He clicked onto a playlist meant to relax him and pulled out a sketch pad as well as a simple pencil. It wasn’t nearly as nice as his drawing pencils at home, but he hadn’t really thought to bring them. There were a few spares in his glove box, but that would require maneuvering around Zoe, and he knew she should probably sleep, so. It was better this way. He could suffer for one night.  
  
Letting the music inspire him, it was only half way through the drawing that Connor realized what he was drawing. He shot a glance to the sleeping form of his sister beside him. At some point she had rolled over, facing towards him. It was daylight out now too, if still dim, and if he was being completely honest, it lighted up her face beautifully. It really was no wonder as to which Murphy sibling was the prettiest. Smartest too. The good Murphy sibling. The one that deserved the family pride.  
  
It really was no wonder he turned out the way he did. Someone had to contrast to her perfection.  
  
With about a fourth of the drawing to go, Connor had fallen asleep, head reclined back and pencil smudges across his bony fingers. Headphone dangling uselessly beside him. It really was no wonder. The drawing of Zoe was perfect. Just like the real life model.  
  
Zoe only woke when something fell on her head. Sharp and pointed, but not enough to hurt. Just sudden enough to startle her. She glanced down to see a chewed up wooden pencil now laying against her foot. Sitting up with a yawn, Zoe looked around, mumbling out a quiet, “Where are we?” Though the question fell silent as she realized she was the only one awake. The clock on the dash read 10:43am. She yawned again, stretching the back muscles in her neck before nudging Connor gently. It was only then that she noticed the pad of pencil covered paper laying in Connor’s lap. As he sat up as well with his own yawn, she snatched it up.  
  
It took Connor a moment to realize what she had. “Hey!” He tried, reaching for it, but Zoe shook her head and turned away from him. His first instinct was to shout and take it back, But he bit his cheek, staring intently instead. Nice, right? He was trying.  
  
Slowly, Zoe turned back towards him, an unreadable expression on her face. Whether she was angry, impressed, terrified, or what, he didn’t know and he damn sure didn’t like it.  
  
“Did you draw this?” Zoe asked in a gentle voice. Connor bit his cheek again and nodded, looking out the front window.  
  
“Can I have it back please?”  
  
She shook her head, running her fingers down the smooth lines. “It’s beautiful…,” she seemed to be captured by it. Connor wasn’t sure how to react.  
  
“Well uh. Yeah. That was the point.”  
  
Her head snapped up. “What do you mean?”  
  
Gesturing from her to the drawing, Connor shrugged. “You’re- you. So I uh. Yeah. Sorry. It’s stupid, I won’t draw you again.”  
  
“No, no. I don’t mind. Is this how you really see me, Con?”  
  
At the use of his old nickname, Connor looked down to his lap. This was getting too soft. Too close to how they used to be. Should he shout and stop it? She shouldn’t be impressed by him. Sure, the drawing was nice, but it wasn’t even finished. And he’s certainly drawn better. There’s not even any shading. And the nose is off and he could’ve down the hair better if the lighting wasn’t shit, and-  
  
He was pulled from his thoughts from the sound of Zoe sniffing loudly. Connor shot her a weary glance. Was she- “I- shit. Sorry, Zo, I didn’t mean to- I just uh-“  
  
Zoe waved him off, smiling sweetly. She wiped at her right eye and handed the drawing back. “Ahh sorry, no it’s fine. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to cry, I just. Well. I thought you hated me, ya know? But that’s… Is that the only time you’ve drawn me?”  
  
Slowly, Connor shook his head. Was it getting a little hot in here? He quickly flipped the sketch book to another page, closer to the front, and handed it back. “There’s uhm. There’s more. A lot more. I’ve drawn mom and Larry too uh. I- yeah. I think there’s some of other people in there too. I don’t know. My better sketch book is at home.”  
  
As she gently turned over page after page, Zoe continued to smile, sending him odd glances every so often. “God, Connor, I didn’t even know you could draw in the first place, these are- they’re great! You’re really talented! Does mom know?” After a quick pause, she bit her lip. “Does… anyone know?”  
  
He shook his head again, looking out the window, this was getting too emotional. “Uhh. No. It’s not like it’s something to talk about, I just… I don’t know. I like to draw.” He cleared his throat, grabbing a water bottle he’d stashed upfront. “Hey uhh it’s getting a little later in the day. We should get going, before Larry and Cynthia find out we left and call us.”  
  
Setting the sketch book aside, Zoe sat said ways in her seat, now seeming much more awake, and eager. She reached in the back, grabbing a water as well. “Can we stop by McDonalds or something? I’m hungry.”  
  
Readjusting his seat and turning the car on, Connor nodded. He downed half the water before pulling out of the parking lot they had stayed in. Was this how normal siblings acted? He wasn’t sure. As it was, he could only barley remember when they were kids, before everything went to shit. He shook his head and focused on getting back on the highway. A thought for another time.  
  
After they’d snatched up some fast food, the car was quiet. At least, it was until Zoe was clearing her throat and polishing off her last chicken nugget. Connor casted a side glance to her, already gnawing on her lip.  
  
“So uhm. When did you learn to draw?”  
  
Connor shrugged, passing a slower truck that was in front of them. “I don’t know. Around the time you learned Guitar, I guess.”  
  
“Really? But that was when you were- Well uh. I mean. That was around my eighth grade.”  
  
Swallowing a sharp point of anger, Connor tightened his grip on the wheel. “Yeah. When I failed freshman year.”  
  
“…When we started to drift apart…”  
  
Closing his eyes briefly, Connor pressed the gas pedal maybe a little too hard. He couldn’t look at her. It hadn’t even been 24 hours, he couldn’t already mess this up. “Look. Zoe. Zo. I don’t- I was going through a lot of shit in high school, alright? And I’m- You didn’t deserve it but-“  
  
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me right now, okay? Just uhh… What made you start drawing? I don’t remember you drawing much as a kid. Just reading really.”  
  
A bit of the tension left his shoulders in the sigh released. Connor focused better on the lane he was in and hummed softly. “I guess uh. That was before I got into like… drugs and stuff. So I needed something to do? I was grounded a lot so being stuck in my room, I guess I got creative. And I always heard you practicing Guitar so I… let that inspire me. I guess. Or something. I don’t know. I just started drawing random shit. It helped for a little bit, and so I just never really stopped. Or whatever.”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”  
  
“What’s there to tell, Zoe? I just draw sometimes. Not like I can just whip out a sketch pad at a dinner and draw a fuckin scene like you can with a guitar.”  
  
Zoe moved back slightly and Connor felt a sting in his chest. Maybe he could’ve phrased that better. “Sorry. I mean- It’s… It’s not something I felt was worth sharing.”  
  
She nodded, but he could tell the tone had shifted. “But it’s something. Maybe if you told people, you could’ve joined an art club or something and then you wouldn’t have been so-“  
  
“So fucked up?”  
  
“No… I was gonna say, you wouldn’t have been so lonely.”  
  
Connor rolled his eyes, going a few miles over the speed limit. “Whatever. Look, joining some dumb fuckin art club wasn’t going to solve all my problems, Zo. I was really fucked up in high school. I’m still really fucked up. You of all people should know that. You really think some good old fashioned socializing is gonna fix everything? You’re not that dumb.”  
  
“N-No, I was just suggesting that maybe-“  
  
“Can you just shut the fuck up right now?”  
  
Zoe opened her mouth as if she was about to retort, but closed it instead, turning towards the road. “Sorry I asked,” she finally spat out in his direction.  
  
He wanted to hit his head on the steering wheel. He wanted to rip his fucking tongue out. He wanted to make it so he was never born so Zoe could have one good day without him fucking everything up. With a drawn out sigh, Connor tossed his aux cord towards her. “Put something on. Sorry I’m an ass. I’ll… I’ll stop talking. I’m not-“ With another sigh, Connor shook his head. Zoe however, timidly plugged in the cord to her phone. Almost immediately a song Connor didn’t recognize started, But Zoe only sighed in annoyance at it. He casted a glance towards the device and sighed as well. “Finally calling?”  
  
She nodded solemnly, hitting the answer key. “Hey mom! Hmm? Yeah I’m okay. I’m just out with Connor. Mom- Mom, I- It’s fine. No, it’s okay, mom. Yeah don’t worry. I just have a friend a few hours away and didn’t feel safe driving alone so Connor offered to drive. Mom, I’ll be 17 in like two days. I can go out of town for a day with my brother. Fine. Yeah. Okay, I’ll let you talk to him. Okay. Yeah. I love you too. Here.”  
  
Zoe offered the phone to Connor, irritation clear. “Beware. She’s crying.”  
  
Connor rolled his eyes but took the phone anyway. “Yeah,” was his greeting.  
  
“Connor, we were worried sick! I didn’t know where you were and then Zoe was missing, what were you-“  
  
“I leave all the time. What are you talking about?”  
  
“Yeah but never with you sister. Where does this friend even live? Do you kids have enough money? Enough food? Are you okay? Do you know how to change a tire?”  
  
“Yes Cynthia. And if I can’t I can look it up. We’re almost there, chill. We’ll be back the day after tomorrow.”  
  
“Well, okay, I just worry! You should’ve texted me or something. Your father will know about this when he gets home though.”  
  
“Ughhh mom, please. Please don’t tell Larry. I don’t want to deal with him right now.”  
  
“I’ll try to keep it from him as long as I can, but I can’t promise anything, Connor. He’ll figure it out when he doesn’t see Zoe and you don’t come home.”  
  
“I know. I’ll deal with it then. Just, right now can I not?”  
  
“I suppose. Are you two sure you’re okay?”  
  
“Yes, we’re fine. Here, talk to Zoe.”  
  
“Connor, just one more-”  
  
“Bye, Cynthia, I’m driving right now. Here she is.”  
  
“But, Connor, can you just-”  
  
He quickly handed the phone over to Zoe who shot him a dirty look. Connor couldn’t help the light laugh that escaped. And that was odd. When was the last time he’d laughed with his sister? There was a warm glow in his stomach and Connor didn’t know how to deal with it.  
  
It wasn’t long before Zoe managed to hang up on their mother and put on some actual music. Some weird indie stuff Connor still didn’t know, but it honestly wasn’t too bad. Not that he’d ever let Zoe know that.  
  
“Can I keep some of these?” She asked a little while later.

Connor glanced at the once again open sketch book in her lap and shrugged. “I have better ones at home, but sure why not. That’s actually the first time I’ve drawn in that one in a few months.”  
  
“Cool! Thanks, Connor.”  
  
He hummed in response. Even when this all does go to shit, at least there’s some good that’s coming out of it. It was a happy, scary feeling.


	3. DAY THREE

**May 29th Soft / Everyone Lives Nobody Dies**

 

“Soooo… I have a question.”

Connor flicked his gaze over towards his sister before turning back to the road. She was flipping through the earlier pages of the sketch book. Connor furrowed his brow. Should he be defensive? Nonchalant? To be completely honest, he didn't even know what all was in that sketchbook. It was a pretty old one. A year old at least.

“What,” he responded, going for a more calm approach. No need to get pissed just yet. Besides, when was the last time Zoe was interested in something he did? Without the intention of yelling at him for it?

“Please don't get mad when I ask, okay?”

Connor tensed. He shouldn't have tried to reassure himself so quickly. “Uhhh alright.”

“So I was going through your book and uh..”

“Right…?”

“And so there's a lot of drawings of Evan. Evan Hansen.”

If the car swerved just a tiny bit, Connor wasn't going to point it out. Luckily neither did Zoe. Nor the quickly building blush across Connor’s face.

“Is there? Weird.” The words sounded forced, even for him.

“Yeah. Different angles, different poses, different expressions, if I didn't know any better, I'd say my big brother has a little crush.”

He gritted his teeth at the smirk he could hear in her voice. “Good thing you know better, then.”

Crossing her arms, Connor saw her stick out her bottom lip, causing him to roll his eyes. “Oh come on. You said you wouldn't get mad.”

Raising an eyebrow, Connor took his eyes off the road again. “You know when I'm mad, Zo. This ain't mad. I just don't want to talk about it.”

“Is this about dad again? Because you know, it's been awhile since he's made a joke about it. Maybe he'll be cool with you being gay now.”

“I'm not- I'm not gay, Zoe.”

“Bi then. Regardless. It's really not-”

With a soft groan, he ran a hand through his hair, tugging a little harder than necessary on the ends. “I'm not bi either! I'm- Fuck, I don't know. Forget it. Just- stop talking.” With an exasperated sigh, he turned back towards the road.

“Are you… asexual then?”

“No.”

“Pan?”

“No.”

“...Demi?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Zoe, I don't know! Just fucking drop it!”

She frowned, sitting back with her arms crossed. “...You said you wouldn't get mad.”

Rolling his eyes, it only took Connor a few seconds to make a decision. He flipped off a trucker while swerving dangerously across the road. Zoe yelped, grabbing the ‘oh shit’ bar, leaning with the car.

“Connor! What the Hell are you doing!?”

He bit his tongue as they just barely managed to swing into the exit in time, cutting another person off. He didn't answer until they were pulling into a liquor store parking lot. Ignoring her confusion, Connor looked to Zoe, giving her a quick, “Stay,” command, before going into the sketchy looking store.

A few minutes later, he returned with a brown paper bag which he tossed in the back seat. Getting behind the wheel once more, Connor pulled back onto the road, searching for the cheapest, least scary looking motel in the in between town they seemed to have stopped in.

“Is that- how did you buy alcohol?”

Rolling his eyes, he flashed the inside of his wallet to her before pulling into a motel 6. “Do you honestly think I don't have a fake id?”

“I guess that's true but… Connor, what are we doing?”

He pulled the car to a stop in front of the main office and shrugged, not looking at her. “If you… wanna talk about  _ me.  _ And my  _ stuff. _ Then I'm not doing it sober. And I won't drive drunk with you in the car so…”

Before she could answer however, he was out of the car and paying for a night.

Once in the room, Connor flopped backwards on the dirty twin bed with a sigh, brown bag on the floor near his feet and backpack near his head. Zoe tossed her bag on the second bed and stretched. “As spontaneous as this was, I’m glad. I can finally take a shower! Any idea when you wanna turn back?”  
  
Connor shrugged, sitting up and bending down to pull out a bottle of Hennessy Whisky. “Not today. That’s for sure. Go take your shower.”  
  
She nodded, but as she walked by, Zoe attempted to peer into the brow bag. “Anything for me?”  
  
“Yeah right, like I’d get drunk with my little sister.”  
  
Crossing her arms, Zoe rolled her eyes. “I’m almost 17. You really think I haven’t gotten drunk before?”  
  
With a smirk, Connor pulled out a second bottle. “I was kidding, chill. I got you Whipped cream vodka. That’s a thing girls like, right?”  
  
With a squeal, Zoe fist pumped the air, holding her clothes with her other arm. “Ahh yes! Thanks Con!”  
  
“Uh huh. Don’t tell mom. Go shower, dipshit.”  
  
She flipped him off as she left the room, but it didn’t bother Connor. He knew he did something right for once. He also knew however that Zoe took ridiculously long showers. So in the meantime, He undid the cap for the Whiskey and took a swig.  


For the most part, Connor had no idea what he was doing. Almost in all the parts really. Drinking? Around Zoe? So they can talk? About Connor? It really was a terrible idea. But he knew he owed her something. Especially after snapping at her before. And… All the things before that.  
  
Besides. If he does fuck this up, he can always just give her the keys and leave. She has a phone. It’s not hard to get back to town.  
  
The shower shut off and soon enough, a few minutes later Zoe followed by a cloud of steam entered the room. She shivered slightly in her sweat pants and t shirt, moving across the room to grab the blanket from her bed before falling sideways to land on Connor’s. He stared wide eyed at her as she grinned up at him, sideways and covered up to her neck.  
  
“Pass me the vodka, please?”  
  
Raising an eyebrow, he did as he was asked before taking another swig from his own. He didn’t realize he was already a 3rd through the bottle. He set the bottle down. No need to get totally plastered. Just drunk enough to feel a little looser. Luckily he had a pretty high tolerance from experience. Zoe however, did not.  
  
Sitting up, Zoe unscrewed the cap and took a rather brave drink. Connor couldn’t help the snort that escaped him as she pulled it away with a gasp, eyes going wide as she coughed a few times.  
  
“You uhh, might wanna take it slow.”  
  
She flipped him off and manned another drink, scrunching up her small face. Pulling away again, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and grinned, cheeks tinting a little way. “I’ve drank worse. So.” She set the bottle down, sitting cross legged on Connor’s bed, blanket still cocooned around her. “Time to talk?”  
  
“Talk?”  
  
“Uhh yeah? You said that’s why you got liquor.”  
  
He looked down, feeling his own face grow a little warm. “Right.” With a heavy sigh, Connor kicked off his scuffed up boots and took another drink of his whiskey before flopping backwards, staring at the ceiling. “Whadduya wanna know?”  
  
Zoe took no time in forming a thought.  
  
“If you’re not gay, ace, bi, whatever, then what are you? Are you seriously straight?”  
  
Throwing an arm over his face, Connor bit back a retort. See this is why he chose Whisky. It made him sleepy. And when he was sleepy, he was less likely to get worked up. “I dunno. Really. Don’t have a clue. I don’t usually like people, much less romantically.”  
  
“…But you like Evan.”  
  
He could hear her take another gulp of the vodka. Followed by a harsh gasp and all. Connor sighed. “I guess.”  
  
“You guess?”  
  
“Yeah. I guess.”  
  
“What do you mean by that? How do you guess if you like someone?”  
  
With an irritated huff, Connor swung himself up again, ignoring the slight head rush. He took a hearty gulp of the whisky, getting it to about 1/3rd left before tossing it over onto Zoe’s bed. No more for tonight. Anymore he might actually get drunk.  
  
“What I said. I guess. Why is that hard to understand? Who do you like?”  
  
Ahh that got a reaction. Zoe’s face grew brighter as she cleared her throat. “Uhm. No one, really.”  
  
A slow smirk formed over his face as Connor repositioned himself to face the younger girl, mirroring her pose. “Is he ugly?”  
  
“What!? No!” She giggled a little more than she should, dropping her bottle back on the floor. It was only half empty. Connor rolled his eyes but didn’t comment.  
  
“So tell me about him. Who stole perfect Zoe Murphy’s heart?”  
  
Now it was Zoe who rolled her eyes. Sometimes it astounded Connor how similar they could be. “If you’d shut the fuck up for like five seconds, maybe I’d tell you.”  
  
Yeah. That’s definitely his sister. On the flip side however, Connor wasn’t sure how happy he was that they shared personality traits. Luckily Zoe kept talking, distracting him from that particular thought.  
  
“First of all, I wouldn’t say it’s a crush but… it’s something.”  
  
“Something, huh,” he added, falling to his side, head propped up on an elbow.  
  
“Fuck you. Yeah It’s something.”  
  
“Second?”  
  
“Second he’s… notaboy.”  
  
“What?”  
  
With a huff, Zoe ran a hand through her slowly drying hair, very similar to the way Connor does when he’s stressed. “I said… he’s… not a boy?” Her eyes landed on him, fear and hesitance mixed in. Connor blinked.  
  
“You’re gay?”  
  
An uneasy smile appeared on her face, an obvious attempt at trying to be casual. “Look who’s asking invading questions now.”  
  
Dismissing it, Connor kept his eyes on her. “So yeah?”  
  
“So… Maybe. I don’t think so. I think- I think I’m pan or Bi, to be honest. .. I still find boys cute, but this girl, she just…”  
  
“Seems right.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Her smile softened into something more natural as she brought her knees up under the blanket. Zoe wrapped thin arms around herself, laying her head on top. “It’s uhm. It’s Alana. I think I might really like her. Really wish I’d have figured it out a little sooner… Preferably before she graduated.”  
  
“Better tell her quick then. Isn’t she going to Yale?”  
  
With a sigh, she turned to face her brother better and nodded. “What about Evan? Are you gonna go after him?”  
  
He silently cursed himself for letting the opening weasel in. Connor rolled back over to his back like he was before and folded his arms over his stomach. “It’s not that simple.”  
  
“What do you mean? Do you think he’s straight? Hey, have you ever even spoken to him? I know you pushed him over that one time. But that’s it.”  
  
Looking away, Connor sighed. He was grateful for having the option to skip the first question though. “Kind of. I uh. I apologized to him. After. He uhm. He likes you. Or he did then. It said so in some weird letter thing he wrote to himself.”  
  
Closing his eyes, Connor bit the inside of his cheek. That day… really wasn’t a good day. That week wasn’t good. Hell, that semester wasn’t good. Before Zoe had a chance to respond, Connor turned away from her onto his side and started speaking again. If he wasn’t buzzed right now, there would be no way he’d be sharing but… it was weird? In a good way? Talking to her about this? It’s not like he had anyone else to speak to about it. And… She told him about Alana. Maybe she would... understand.  
  
“He was really nice to me after that. Still scared, sure but like- I don’t know. It’s stupid. We’re totally different. He’s- He’s good and I’m- Fuck this is weird. I just mean like-”  
  
A hand pressed against his shoulder, making him jump. “Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. I was just curious.”  
  
He shrugged her hand off and started messing with the ends of his hair. His other hand stayed wrapped around his stomach. “He’s just really nice. But he likes you. It’s fine. I may have… overreacted when I found out. And that was before I- I uh. Before he became _something_.”  
  
“What did you do?”  
  
Tucking some hair behind his ear, Connor suddenly had both arms around his stomach. He wasn’t sure how much longer he wanted to talk about this. “I yelled at him? I thought it was a trick, ya know. I tried to make a friend and he liked you, because who wouldn’t, and it fell apart so like- yeah. That was the first day of senior year.”  
  
“And then he became something?”  
  
“No. That was a lot later.”  
  
“Soo… When did you realize you liked boys? Do you like girls?”  
  
With a scoff, Connor shot her a look from over his shoulder. “You really wanna know my sexuality, don’t you.”  
  
She blushed slightly, but shrugged. “What can I say? I wanna know if all dad’s anti-gay speech’s actually turned both his kids homosexual.”  
  
Rolling back to his back, Connor shrugged as well. “Being completely honest, I didn’t think I liked anyone. For a long time. I mean I’m pretty sure I had a crush on David Bowie as a kid but, to be fair-“  
  
“Who doesn’t,” they said in unison. Zoe laughed, as Connor followed it with a small smile.  
  
“Ugh, I knew it! You liked the Labyrinth way too much for a 10 year old.”  
  
“How do you even remember that? I barely remember yesterday.”  
  
With a shrug, Zoe took one final drink before falling to her side as well and facing Connor. She bit her lip, as if she was about to say something.  
  
Connor sighed, running a hand through his hair. “What.”  


“Promise not to get mad?”

“Ugh. With this shit again?”

“Please?”

Connor rolled his eyes at her pout and rolled to his side to face her as well. “Fine. What the Fuck do you want.”

She stuck her tongue out at him for the language, but her face quickly fell neutral afterwards. Connor's stomach churned. He really wished she'd quit with the suspenseful shit.

“What uhm… why didn't you… ever talk to him?”

“To Evan?”

“Yeah. He's really nice. I can't imagine he'd push you away.”

Looking down, Connor avoided her gaze. It was a loaded question to be honest. He yawned stiffly before looking back up. It was a good thing he drank before this. He'd probably manage to pass out soon.

“It's…. Complicated.”

“You said that, but how? Even after you figured out that you like him you didn't talk to him. I just…were you scared?”

“I guess?”

“Connor.”

Sitting up again, he pushed his forehead into an open palm, letting his hair frame the sides of his face. How could he explain the fucked up ways of his head? Did he even want to? Would she understand?

Zoe sat up as well, placing a hand over his. She curled her fingers around his bony ones and squeezed gently. “Con?”

“I just- I wasn't…” he groaned and pulled his hand away, hunching over to protect himself for a threat that wasn't there. He wasn't used to being so open like this. He hated it. “It's hard to explain. I… I'm messed up, Zo. We've been over this. I’m…”

“Evan has problems too, though. It's not hard to see he has panic attacks a lot. Maybe they're like yours, you could've helped each other or something. Made high school easier.”

Connor shook his head, trying not to let his emotions win out. With deliberate breaths, he looked up, staring at the wall across from him. “I'm not… good with people. Evan is… soft. He's too nice. If I tried to talk to him, I'd have… I'd have destroyed him. I made that more than obvious last time I spoke to him.” Then he'd… left school and tried something else. He failed at a lot of things, not just with people. He subconsciously pressed his wrists further against his stomach

“You can be soft too though.”

Connor snorted, moving hair back behind his ear again. “I'm a dick.”

“Yeah. But sometimes you can be a soft… dick… i- forget I said that.”

“Oh my God.”

The room was quickly filled with laughter. It was strange. Connor was used to flipping emotions but… not often did it go from sour to joy. His stomach felt warm, and he couldn't entirely blame it on the whisky. It was strange but… he liked it. As they calmed down, Zoe rested her head on Connor's shoulder. She hummed softly to get him to look down at her.

“Hey Connor?”

“More questions?”

She shook her head, letting out a hard yawn. Connor unwillingly followed suit. “Remember when we were kids and I'd get a nightmare so you'd stay up all night with me telling stories?”

“Yeah.”

“This kind of reminds me of then. It's nice.I'm… I'm glad I came with you.”

If his eyes grew a little wet, nobody said anything. If someone told him yesterday that in 24 hours Zoe would be drunk, laying against him, having a heart to heart with each other, he'd probably punch then and say Fuck off to be honest. But it was happening. This was real. And it was… really nice.

Almost too nice. Connor couldn't keep the small smile off his face, but he could keep her off of him.

With a light shove, Connor knocked her off of him, laughing at the groan she gave. “I was almost asleep asshole!”

“You have your own bed. Go. I'm tired.”

Zoe stuck out her tongue again and pulled her legs up against her in the middle of the bed. “But I'm so cooooomfy. I don't wanna move.”

Rolling his eyes, Connor stood up, pointing to the other bed. “Don't make me drag you over there.”

She pouted for a second before holding her arms out, mischievous grin forming. Connor groaned, already knowing what she wanted.

“Carry me!”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Not happening.”

“Then I'm not moving.”

“But you have both the blankets!”

“Oh well, Mr. ‘Not happening’. Freeze.”

With a defeated sigh, Connor grabbed her ankle, pulling her over before scooping her up off the bed. Ignoring the squeal of laughter, Connor turned around and kicked off the bottle of vodka before dumping her on the bed. After going to lock the door and turn off the light, he flopped onto his own bed, tossing his jacket aside.

After a few minutes of silence, Connor looked over to his sister, turning on his side again. He pulled the blanket up higher. “Hey, Zo?”

She hummed in response, shifting slightly. It was unclear whether she was fully awake or not.

“I'm glad you came with me, too,” he whispered.

“No prob broski,” was the half mumbled response.

It didn't take long for sleep to overcome him.


	4. DAY FOUR

**May 30th Happiness / Venting & Coping**

  
***********Chapter warning for TW Self-harm and suicide mention and idealation***********   
  
He knew the moment he woke up. Today was going to be a bad day. As Connor laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling since 2 am, now going on 5, he knew. His head hurt. His body felt numb and heavy. His arms itched. He needed a smoke.   
  
His phone vibrated against the wooden night stand. Glancing at the now lit phone, he saw they were texts from Larry. Just figured it out, Connor supposed. He reached over to turn it on silent as to not wake Zoe, and slipped his jacket back on. Grabbing his wallet, he left the room, making sure to lock it first. It took a few tries however from the shakiness of his fingers.   
  
By the time he was across the street and opening the convenience store’s door, a light drizzle had started. Connor pushed his damp hair behind his ear, approaching the counter to purchase what he’d come for. After that was done, he lit a cigarette beneath the awning of the store, and made his way back across to the motel. Leaning up against the cold metal of the car, he sighed.   
  
Finishing off the first one, he quickly lit a second, starting to smoke that one as well. It wasn’t until the second cigarette butt hit the ground that he started to feel less shaky. More in control. It wasn’t completely away, but it was… something. He ran a finger over the scars hidden by long sleeves and a heavy jacket. Connor wasn’t particularly fond of cigarettes, but it was a better alternative to his other coping habits. That and… he couldn’t bring himself to do something like that around Zoe.   
  
But she was sleeping, wasn’t she? It’s not like she’d ever know. The wallet in his jacket felt like a led weight.  He knew what was tucked away behind his ID, hiding from sight. A tool to take his thoughts away. The feeling of emptiness. The accusations, the humility, the crushing defeat he felt every day.   
  
He lit a third cigarette.   
  
Pushing now damp hair from his face, Connor sunk to sit on the ground, not caring that the ground was wet. He crossed his legs and stared out at the slowly building traffic. What was he even doing? A road trip? With his little sister? This was insane.   
  
He was insane.   
  
He was dangerous.   
  
Zoe shouldn’t be left alone around him. He could hurt her.   
  
With a deep breath, he let his head fall back, rain landing on his closed eyelids, and took another drag. The rain was starting to pick up, he should probably get back inside soon. Before his cigarettes get ruined.   
  
But he didn’t move. Instead kept smoking cigarette after cigarette until he’d already managed to nearly blow through half a pack and daylight was well underway, if obstructed by rain clouds. A few people moving about the hotel sent him looks, but a sharp glare was all they needed from him to get the message and fuck off. The rain had lessened back to a mist but the clouds stayed just as dark. Fitting.   
  
It wasn’t much longer after his seventh cigarette that Zoe wandered outside, jacket wrapped tight, looking for Connor.   
  
“Hey, Con, whatcha doin out here so early?”   
  
Shooting her a glance, Connor shrugged, picking at his nails. He should repaint them soon.   
  
“Connor?” she asked hesitantly, walking closer. Connor shook his head, standing up. He wobbled a little from the nicotine rush, buzzed and nauseous, but cooled his features quickly. He pulled the keys from his jacket and tossed them to her. Zoe only barely managed to catch them.   
  
“You’re driving,” he announced.   
  
“Uhh okay. Are we leaving?”   
  
“Yeah.” He turned to get in the car, but Zoe was behind him, hand on his shoulder. He pulled away immediately, purposely not looking up, as to not be forced to see the disappointment on her face.   
  
“Con, are you okay?”   
  
“Fine.”   
  
“Really?”   
  
Rolling his eyes, Connor crossed his arms. “Yes, fucking really. Can we get in the damn car already?”   
  
Zoe bit her lip, pushing her hands in her pockets. “Don’t you want to get your stuff first?”   
  
As he’d completely forgotten, Connor flushed slightly and turned from her in a huff, marching back into the room. He grimaced as his wet jeans made it difficult to move around the heated room, but he didn’t focus on it, shoving shit into his bag haphazardly. He just wanted to get away from this damn room. Back on the road. Maybe they should head home already. It’s been a day. Zoe probably couldn’t wait to get away from him.   
  
Speaking of Zoe, she stood in the doorway with a pinched expression. She looked confused, sad, and worried all at the same time. Connor hated it.   
  
“ _ What _ ,” he spat out harshly. Zoe’s frown stayed in place as she watched him move about the room.   
  
“Do you wanna take a shower before we leave?”   
  
Zipping up the bag with more force than necessary, Connor, shot her a glare. “Why the hell would I do that? I’m  _ fine _ .”   
  
“Well, you’re soaked. You might feel better after a shower and some dry clothes.” She looked like she wanted to ask something else, but held it back. Connor didn’t feel up to finding out however and instead, swung the bag over his shoulder and stashed his phone into his pocket. He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to give in and just shower. He wanted to punch a wall. He wanted to nothing and just stand there. But he was actively trying to be a good brother. He was trying to make this trip not  _ completely _ miserable. And though he was feeling unreasonably angry, he did have enough control to force out a low, “Fine,” before turning around with his bag and all but stomping to the tiny bathroom, all the while biting his lip hard enough to bleed.   
  
With a clench of his fists and a slammed door shut, he tossed his back pack to the side. The more he tried to understand why he was angry, the angrier he felt. It was a vicious cycle and Zoe was feeding to it. He tried to remind himself that maybe getting away from her for a second could actually help.   
  
Striping quickly, Connor avoided looking at the mirror and turned the hot water on. Not bothering with cold, he stepped under the spray, a loud hiss leaving his lips as the burning water contrasted sharply with the coolness of his skin. The pain helped. It helped ground him. He knew he shouldn’t be talking to Zoe the way he was. At least he hadn’t exploded on her yet. At least he hadn’t thrown anything yet.   
  
He heard his phone vibrate again. Knowing it was his father (Because who else would text him) Connor faced more towards the other wall and slowly started to wash his body. He made a point not to look at his arms or thighs as he did so.   
  
After he was done with that he just… stood there. Letting the water pound into him. Long enough for the hot water to turn freezing, making his skin tingle in a painful way. Despite popular belief, Connor hated being alone. When he was alone there wasn’t much to stop the thoughts circling his head over and over. Nothing to distract him from thinking about driving his car off the freeway and into a lake. Nothing to stop him from remembering his first day of senior year. When he’d gone to the park and… didn’t plan on coming back. Until he’d woken up alone and sick, hurting in too many places to count.   
  
He’d been gone for two days apparently. His car had even gotten towed. Larry really had a field day with that one. And no one knew. Not a single person. Connor Murphy had finally done it. He’d tried to kill himself and no one found him. But he’d failed, much to no one’s surprise. He just didn’t swallow enough pills apparently, and the cuts hadn’t been deep enough to finish the job. He knew he’d should have reread the bottle before taking them. Maybe if he’d have stolen a higher dose it would’ve been enough.   
  
…Maybe he should try again. Zoe was here, she’d find him.   
  
But he didn’t want her to find him. He wanted someone to find him, but not her. She was too good, she didn’t need to see the broken pieces that made up Connor. He was like a shattered phone screen. Struggling to still work, but everyday another shard falls out, until only a few remain, rendering the screen unreadable. The processor still works, but the light is no longer visible so he’s left in the bottom of a trashcan, until that too is taken out and brought to a dump where he’s compacted into a tight cube of filth and left in a landfill, unable to decompose. Alone and broken for eternity. Soon replaced and forgotten about in a fraction of the time he’d spent with the world.   
  
He didn’t notice the warm tears mixing with frozen water.   
  
He didn’t notice Zoe knocking on the door.   
  
He didn’t notice her open said door after he didn’t respond.   
  
“…Connor? Are you- Are you okay?”   
  
It’s funny how someone can go from never seeing you cry to seeing you cry twice in just as many days. Connor sniffed loudly and wiped at his face, clearing his throat. “I’m fine, Zo. Go away, I’m about to get out.”   
  
“I just- You were taking a while and I got worried so-“   
  
“I said I’m fine,” he bit out, but a shaky breath he added on a soft, “Please, Zo. I’ll be out in a minute.”   
  
He heard her sigh and leave. Connor had to hold a hand to the wall as to keep himself from collapsing right there.   
  
It took a disgustingly long time to get dressed. And he couldn’t quite manage to avoid his reflection like he wanted to. The cold water had all but cleared up all the steam that had built from the start of the shower.   
  
He looked tired. Sick almost. Too skinny. Too tall. Too sad and angry. He looked down at his chest, following the faint sign of ribs poking out until he reached the dark line of his pants. Two closed up cuts dotting his waist. He was disgusting.   
  
Connor watched another tear fall down his face. He needed to get dressed. Wiping away said tear with a shaking hand, He pulled on a long sleeve shirt, a shirt over that, and finally his jacket. They were leaving anyway so, as he picked his bag up again and slipped into his boots, he pulled another cigarette out, lighting it immediately. It would just have to hold him over until he was either alone or back home where he had access to weed.   
  
Zoe cringed when she saw the cigarette. “They’re going to charge you extra now if the owner sees you smoking.   
  
Connor shrugged, walking past her. If he didn’t say anything, he didn’t yell. He opened the room door without question and moved into the passenger seat. Anxiously, he picked at now soft scabs across his left wrist, trying to still keep them from view. Zoe moved to the driver seat, tossing her own stuff into the back.   
  
“Where did you want to go?”   
  
With a growl, Connor slumped more into his seat, rolling a window down for the smoke. “I don’t give a fuck. Just drive.”   
  


She did as he’d asked, starting the car and quickly pulling back onto the road and eventually onto the freeway. It was quiet for a while, but as usual, Connor didn’t ever get what he wanted. In his quiet fuming, his name was said between soft, chapped lips. He spared a glance her direction before looking back out the window. She saw the look however, confirming that he was listening.   
  
“…Are you okay? Did something happen?”   
  
Clenching his fists, Connor tried to keep the shudder of irritation that ran through him. “I said I’m fine.”   
  
“Yeah but-“   
  
“Zoe!” His head turned in a quick motion to snap at her. Zoe jumped in her seat, trying to focus on the road. “Don’t you know when to shut the fuck up!? Jesus Christ.”   
  
“Connor, I’m just trying to-“   
  
“Pull over.”   
  
“What?” Her eyes widened as he started to reach for the door handle. “Connor, what are you-“   
  
“If you’re not gonna pull over, I’m just gonna fucking jump out. Sounds loads better than being stuck in here with you.”   
  
“I’m not pulling over!”   
  
“Fine.”   
  
He unbuckled his seat belt, unlocking the door, and almost had it open enough before Zoe was shouting at him to stop and swerving across the freeway to the side and slamming on the break. Despite her obvious shock, Connor just huffed, mumbling profanities under his breath and stepped out of the car, letting the door slam shut behind him. After a quick moment, Zoe quickly scrambled out after him.   


He began to pace back and forth as she rounded the car. Fists clenching and unclenching, face red with anger, hair swinging back and forth limply as he spun on his heel.

Zoe bit her lip before unable to hold back her confusion. “What the fuck, Connor? What happened?”

He looked up with a sharp glare, spitting out, “ _ Fuck you _ ,” before kicking at the passenger front wheel tire.

Zoe shouted for him to stop but Connor couldn’t hear her. A noise had been building and as it peaked so did his anger. Rage coursed through his veins as he punched and kicked at the already dented car.

Kicking the tire again, a harsh, “ _ Mother fucker, _ ” passed his lips, throwing a punch to the hood. Zoe was still yelling but he was still pissed. He punched it again and again, knuckles bleeding and bruised, trying to drown out the noise. Another punch landed as feet struck out as well, profanities flying left and right with each violent impact.

It wasn’t until he was out of breath and the passenger side view mirror lay a few feet away, Zoe holding back tears, phone clenched between shaking hands that he felt like he could breathe again. He wanted to be hit by a truck. Jump off a bridge. Slit his wrists. Swallow a bottle. Whatever it took to disappear. He’d fucked up. He’d scared her. And despite this crushing guilt, he still knew if she spoke anytime soon he’d scream and punch and kick once more.

To save both Zoe and himself, Connor dug his hands deep into his hair, pulling harshly, and spun in place, walking towards the trees lining the road. He heard Zoe shout again, running after him, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t follow him, he needed to be alone, he needed quiet. Somewhere the buzzing and rage wouldn’t be felt. Connor shook his head hard and ran, despite the soreness he felt from his previous fit.

Despite his desperate need to get away, he only managed to stumble just as he entered the line of trees, falling down to his knees, scrapping sticks and leaves into his stinging hands. Zoe was close behind him, skidding to a halt and Connor couldn’t get himself to get back up.

He’d messed it up. He's ruined what little bonding they had managed. Why did he even freak out? His phone was vibrating. Who was calling him? Ignoring Zoe’s questions and his own harsh breathing, Connor sat up, hands shaking, And pulled his phone from his hoodie pocket. A bright “Larry” flashed on the screen. With a shout, Connor threw the phone into a tree, tears quickly building along his lower eyelids, and watched as the back popped off and the device fell to the ground.

Connor pushed his hands back into his hair, obscuring his face, and let the tears fall.

The buzzing was still there. The anger still lingered in the back of his mind. He was still broken. He still had episodes. He wasn’t getting better.

Zoe cleared her throat, voice shaking, and asked Connor, once more, what happened. Connor shook his head, “I’m sorry,”’s falling from his lips between pained gaspes. Zoe quieted, watching her brother break down at 11am on the side of a freeway.

It wasn’t until Connor had run out of tears that he spoke. The sun was high in the sky, if still covered by dark clouds that somehow matched his mood at the moment. Sitting back up, Connor kept his face covered by long hair, breathing heavily. He should leave. He should just let Zoe go home without him. It’d be better for everyone. Cynthia couldn’t trust him, Larry hated him, Zoe was scared of him. Why was he even still staying with them? What was he still here? He should get up and run and stay in these trees, away from society, away from anyone he could hurt, until everyone was safe and he was gone. He dug his nails sharply into his palms, trying to quell the earlier urge to hurt himself. Anything to stop the roaring in his head.

He needed to leave. Get out of this place. Away from his thoughts. He didn’t know what he wanted. He  _ needed _ something, but he didn’t know what. Just…  _ something _ . Zoe’s eyes were still on him.

“Can we leave now?” He croaked out. They _were_ _not_ talking about this.

As he was warring with himself, Zoe had managed to move beside him, placing a careful hand on his back. Connor jumped in surprise, scrambling back away from her. He scrubbed at his face with the edge of his sleeve, trying to erase his weakness. Zoe sat back, biting her bottom lip.

“ _ Connor,  _ please talk to me. What’s wrong?”

With tired eyes, Connor refused her look, looking away. He shrugged, trying to keep himself together.  _ “Nothing,” _ He managed to mumble out. She shouldn't be seeing this part of him.

With a heavy sigh, Zoe moved closer to him, causing his back muscles to stiffen. She didn’t stop though. Not until she was right next to him. A gentle hand pressed against his back, rubbing slowly. Connor didn’t know how to feel about it. “You wanna head back home?” She asked softy.

Even though he kind of didn’t, Connor nodded. He felt groggy. Nothing was real. Everything around him was just out of reach. He careful wiped at his eyes again. He really wanted to ground himself. Nails dug deeply into soft palms.

Zoe stood up, signaling for him to wait. Too tired to fight her, he nodded slightly and did as he was told as she went to retrieve his phone. When she came back, there was a frown. Connor looked up.

“Well. It’s still intact. But the screen is definitely busted. Parts are falling out. Dad’s gonna be pissed.”

Ignoring his earlier comparison that morning and the thrum of anger that tried to surface at the mention of  _ Larry _ , Connor shrugged, struggling to stand. Zoe ended up having to help him half way, grabbing his lower arm a little too hard. He jerked back quickly, biting his lip in response.

Before she had a chance to ask, Connor was shrugging it off with a harsh, “It’s nothing,” shoving his hands back into his pockets. He turned on his heel, determinedly making his way back to the car. Despite the uncomfortable dryness in his eyes and the weird shift in damp clothes, Connor refused to slow his pace. A breakdown in front of his sister? Not exactly what he’d choose to do today, but that was infinitely better than a talk about  _ that _ .

By the time they’d reached the car again, Zoe seemed… tense. Overthinking. Connor was nervous. He was tired of yelling. Tired of breaking things. He stared at the now missing side view mirror.  _ Really _ tired of breaking things. That’s going to be a fun conversation later. He picked up the broken mirror and got in the passenger seat. He probably shouldn’t drive right now. Not when he was still contemplating chopping his fucking head off. There really wasn’t much that could stop him once he was behind the wheel.

And he was trying really hard not to traumatise his sister anymore.

Zoe slid easily into the passenger seat and started the coor. Pulling back onto the highway, it was tense to say the least. Connor knew Zoe was just waiting for the right words to say.

He sighed heavily, tossing the broken mirror to the back and picked at the chipping nail polish coating his fingers. He should’ve brought an extra bottle. Maybe he could ask her to make a stop.

She cleared her throat. Connor tensed again, keeping his eyes on his nails. Maybe if he ignored her, she’d stopped.

No luck however as Zoe spared a glance over towards him. “Can tell me what all that was about now? Without trying to jump out of the car?”

Biting his lower lip, Connor sunk in his seat. “What’s there to talk about,” he monotonously replied. “I’m fucked up. We already know this.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never seem you react like  _ that _ , Connor. I’m worried. You’ve been off all morning. You were fine last night…”

He let out a soft snort. “I was drunk last night.”

“Is that what this is? Some weird hangover? Usually you just sleep when you’re-”

“I’m not hungover.”

“Then  _ what’s wrong? _ Can’t you give me  _ something? _ Why did you pull away like that earlier? Did you bruise your arm up or something?”

His arms burned.  _ Anything but that. _ He remained silent.

“...Connor?” Zoe sighed as he remained silent. But she drive on, deciding on a different approach. “Okay… if not that, then why did you throw your phone? Is dad being a dick again?”

Connor scoffed. “When the fuck is he not.”

Smiling slightly, she said, “Good point,” before moving around a truck who was going a little slow.

“What was he texting you about?”

He shrugged, picking at his nails a little more harshly. “I didn’t read them.”

“Then why…,”

“ _ Fuck, _ I don’t know, Zoe! Maybe because he’s always yelling at me about something. Who the fuck cares what he texted me. I’m a piece of shit either way. I already know this, I don’t need to read it as well.” He threw his hands up before finishing it off by crossing them and staring out the window. Would it be too dramatic to jump out of the car again?

“...You’re not shit, Con,” Zoe said softly, making Connor swing his head over to stare at her.

“Uh. What?”

Clearing her throat, Zoe looked like it was difficult for her to talk at the moment. Connor knew the feeling. “I said you’re not… shit. Dad’s just… He doesn’t get you. You don’t actually believe what he says about you, right?”

Narrowing her eyes, Connor could feel his pulse elevating again.  _ Who was she to _ \- he cut the thought off. “And you do?” he said instead. “You can’t honestly tell me you don’t think I’m shit. If you really don’t, then damn Zo. You’re a real good fuckin actor. Really fooled me into thinking otherwise.”

Her expression strained as her grip tightened around the wheel. Connor would’ve felt bad if the topic wasn’t focused on him. “I never thought you were shit, Connor. I just…”

“You just hated me,” he finished.

“No! That’s not-”

He cut her off with a scoff. “It’s fine, Zoe. Really, don’t worry. I get it. I hate myself just as much, you don’t need to break your back trying to make me feel better.”

Rolling her eyes, Zoe swerved slightly, flushing as she focused better on the road. “That’s  _ so _ not what I meant. Yes there was a time where… you weren’t my favorite person. You still aren’t, but I never  _ hated _ you. I may have thought I did at times but I… You’re still my brother. I worry about you. I don’t think dad hates you either, he just doesn’t  _ understand _ .”

“You don’t need to worry about me. If anything, worry about yourself.” The  _ I’m dangerous _ didn’t need to be added. He knew she understood what was left off.

He absent mindedly scratched at his left arm beneath the damp jacket. She followed the movement and sighed. “Aren’t you uncomfortable in that jacket?” Connor shrugged in return. He was mostly just tired.

“You should take it off, you’ll be sick if you don’t.”

Again he shrugged, tugging the sleeve back in place. He shouldn’t have drawn attention to it.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “I can’t even remember the last time I saw you without a jacket. Doesn’t it get hot?”   
  
This time he didn’t respond. She huffed at his silence. Why was he hiding this from her? Actually, Connor’s surprised she hasn’t figured it out. Missing knives, long sleeves, anger and depression. Some things just go hand and hand. He stared down at the damp fabric, covering thin, scarred arms. What would she say? Would she care? Maybe pretend… To keep face with society and all. Would she even get it? He was sure Larry wouldn’t care. He’d probably ignore it and say it’s all for attention. What if it was for attention though? What’s so bad about wanting attention? He just wanted someone to listen. Someone to actually care about his well being. Someone to… be worried about him hurting himself.   
  
He could tell her. Right now. And Zoe would either laugh or pretend to cry. He’d never told anyone before. That’s how everyone reacts, right? He vaguely remembers a character from a book he read in junior high where the girl tells her friend about it. She seemed genuinely supportive and tried to find ways for the girl to stop. Different ways to cope and wean off the addictive support of a sharp blade against dead skin.   
  
Connor shivered just thinking about it. He still wanted to. He needed a cigarette.   
  
Rolling the window down, he lit said cigarette, blowing smoke out the window lazily. Zoe rolled her eyes.   
  
“You went like two days without smoking. Now that you have some, suddenly you gotta smoke nonstop?”   
  
Connor shrugged. “Smoke em when you got em.”   
  
Should he tell her? He was still contemplating. Maybe it would feel good to talk it out. He’d never done that before. It was always just him and his problems. Alone in a dark room. She didn’t laugh about the drawings… or about him crying earlier… in fact this was the longest Zoe and Connor had gone without yelling at each other. Er- well. Maybe not without them yelling. That’d had been broken a few times. But they were coexisting in the same space for an impressive amount of time.   
  
He sighed. Zoe turned her head slightly at the noise. Was he really brave enough to take this risk? They already knew he wanted to die. Whether they believed him or not was another story.   
  
“Hey uh… Do you really not… believe Larry?” He asked, voice trying to stay neutral and not strain. Zoe frowned, staying focused on the road.   
  
“Of course not, Connor. Dad is pretty old and dumb on a lot of things.”   
  
“Then why do you always side with him?” He couldn’t quite keep the bitterness out of his voice this time.   
  
She sighed, biting her lip. “It’s not that I side with him. It’s just… hard to see your point of view when you’re always yelling.”   
  
“Well, why do you think I’m always yelling?”   
  
She turned to shoot him a quick glance. “What do you mean? You get angry at most things.”   
  
“I mean, I…” He dug his nails into his palms, holding the cigarette between tight fingers. “Larry… eggs me on. And you join him. And I get mad. And you won’t let me speak, and I end up yelling. I don’t like being angry, Zo. It fucking sucks. But I… you guys make it really hard not to yell.”   
  
“You make it really hard to have a normal conversation too, Con.”   
  
“Did it ever cross your mind that that’s because you guys are always attacking me? When was the last time before yesterday that we spoke without you accusing me of something?”   
  
“I’m not the only one at fault here, Connor. I wouldn’t accuse you so much if you weren’t always trying to rile dad up. You’re always doing something to piss him off.”   
  
“It’s not like it’s hard! I just have to breathe in the wrong direction and he’s screaming.”   
  
Pushing a hand through her tangled hair, Zoe shakes her head. “He can be really nice sometimes.”   
  
“Not to me…” He holds his fists tight, taking another drag. He bites his lip, knowing the next question was the turning point.   
  
“Zoe, I…Do you believe him?”   
  
She scrunches her face up and shoots him another glance. “About what?”   
  
In a soft voice, Connor looks back down towards his nails. “That it’s not real. That… I’m just pretending to be fucked up for attention.”   
  
She turns determinedly back towards the road. Connor’s stomach drops. “Dad doesn’t actually believe that.”   
  
“That’s not what I asked.”   
  
“Connor, Dad is really-”   
  
“This isn’t about Dad!” She jumps. He’s breathing heavy. Fists clenched in his lap. It takes Connor a moment to realize his cigarette is half crushed. He tosses it out with window with a deep breath. “Just… Do you believe him. Please. I won’t- I won’t get mad.”   
  
“Con, why are you so focused on-”   
  
“ _ Please _ ,” he repeats, voice soft again. “I need to know, Zoe.”   
  
“I…,” she sighs. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I’ve… I’ve never met anyone that acts like you, Connor.  _ You’ve threatened to kill me _ . But then some days it’s like you’re a whole different person. And you just avoid everyone. Somedays it feels like an act and some days… it doesn’t. I don’t know what to believe. And dad keeps saying it’s a phase, but mom says you need a psychiatrist. It all feels… staged. And just… I don’t know. Sorry.”

He takes deep breaths. A few more than he would like. He asked her. He should’ve expected such an answer. His arms burn. He picks at his nails. “It’s okay. It- It’s real but I-” Connor huffs in irritation and crosses his arms. “I don’t know how to convince you.” He knows there’s no hope for Larry.   
  
“Why do you want to convince me?” She asks, side eyeing him. Connor shrugs.   
  
“I like this. The not yelling at each other thing and…” He has no one else. Might as well bond with his perfect sister.   
  
“And?” She repeats.   
  
He looks out the window. “And… It’s nice. Talking to someone.” Before she can respond however, his stomach is flipping. “Sorry, I’m being fucking stupid. Forget I said anything.”   
  
“What? No, no. Connor, I think- I think it’s nice too. I like talking to you when you’re not screaming at me. You can tell me anything.”   
  
“You won’t understand it though.”   
  
“Maybe I will if you explain it.”   
  
“ _ I _ don’t even understand it.”   
  
“Can you try?”

He… fell silent. Try to explain it? Try to explain the rage, the depression, the confusion, the loneliness, the sleepless nights he spent contemplating different ways to end everything. How do you even start to explain something like that? How do you explain the absolute chaos his head resides in?

He really did miss this, though. Connor couldn't lie about wanting his sister back. Plus having an ally in the house would be nice. If she got it that is. There's always the risk that explaining it could make everything worse. Would she be more scared of him?

She looked at him expectantly. Well. He'd already brought up the topic. And he was too tired to fight right now. And she was actually listening to him for once. It was a start.   
  


So that’s what he did. He tried to talk through his burst of anger, his random desperation for company yet only wanting to be alone. He went through his head, picking out the mostly fucked up parts  _ (There were some things he never wanted her to know about. His eyes flicked down to his arms. Like that amongst other things.) _ and laying them out for her to examine as they made their way down the freeway. It wasn’t until his throat was tight and raspy that he stopped. Zoe stayed mostly silent throughout it all, only chiming in with a need for clarification on somethings.   
  
She didn’t yell. She didn’t treat it like a lie. She didn’t turn it on herself. She just… listened. In fact Connor was pretty sure he could see tears in her eyes as he spoke. It was both the longest he’d spent talking about himself and the longest he went talking to her without someone shouting. He was shaking, gaze locked down and cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but he felt  _ good _ . He felt like he had a sister again.   
  
As he quieted, coming to a close, Zoe cleared her throat, subtly wiping at her eyes. Little black smudges of eyeliner however were a little more difficult to hide.   
  
“Connor, I’m… I’m so sorry.”   
  
Connor shrugged. “It’s fine. You didn’t know.”   
  
“Does mom and dad know?”   
  
He scoffed. “Sure. Probably.”   
  
“And they haven’t tried to…”   
  
“You’ve been there the entire time, Zo. You’ve seen me ask Larry for meds. For Therapy. For  _ literally anything _ . He just… doesn’t believe I really need it.”   
  
“But mom has tried-“   
  
“Mom sent me to some dumb fuckin yoga retreat for troubled teens™. I need something more professional than that. You really think some stretches and quiet time is gonna fix all the shit in my head?”   
  
“I suppose not..”   
  
With a sigh, Connor readjusted his seat, tired of being in the same position. “It’s okay. Really. You uh… This is enough. Not for everything of course but, it’s something? I can’t really…” He drifted off, biting his lip. This vulnerability crap was really starting to get old.   
  
“You can’t…?” she repeated however. Lip starting to feel raw, Connor shrugged.   
  
“I don’t know the last time I spoke to someone about it all. Or if I’ve ever spoken to someone about it.”   
  
“But surely-“   
  
He cut her off with a glare. “I don’t have friends, Zoe. And Larry hates me. And Cynthia won’t shut the fuck up and will expose me. And it’s not like I could tell you before.”   
  
That for some reason made her smile. Connor tensed as she placed a comforting hand on his. “You can now though. I.. I can’t promise I’ll stop being mad at you. I haven’t forgiven you for everything that you’ve put us through. But, I’m here, Connor. You’re my brother and I love you. I’m glad you told me. Maybe we can… try to be friends again?”   
  
“And if I relapse and hurt you again?”   
  
“Then when you calm down, we’ll talk about it. We’ll both apologize and move on.”   
  
“Are you going to keep siding with Dipshit?”   
  
She shot him her own glare. “Connor, can this just be about us for once? And not dad?”   
  
Usually the comment would piss him off, but this time, it kind of made him feel okay. Included. It was a positive thing about him. Not… Not what it usually was about. Connor nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”   
  
She smiled softly and opened her mouth to say something else, but her stomach growled instead. She flushed. “Uhh. Should we stop to get something to eat?”   
  
Connor shrugged. “I don’t care. Then after maybe we can…. Head back?”   
  
She shot him a shocked look. “Are you sure you’re ready? Today was pretty eventful.”   
  
He let a small smile form on his lips. It still felt foreign. “Yeah. I think… Well it’ll take another day or so to make it home. But I think I’m ready.”   
  
A soft, “Okay,” left Zoe’s lips as she switched lanes, looking for food options.   
  
Today was a bad day. But maybe it was getting better. Maybe this trip wasn’t such a terrible idea after all.


	5. DAY FIVE

**May 31st Guardian Angel / Ghost**

 

***********Chapter warning for TW Self-harm mention and suicide mention***********

 

Time passed pretty quickly after that. The heavy discussion and earlier melt down had chilled Connor out enough for him to pass out for a few hours. He’d only woken up due to Zoe shutting the door a little harder than she meant too as she climbed back in, McDonalds in hand. He groaned and shifted as his back stretched uncomfortably. Zoe looked up at her sleepy brother.

“Hey, you’re awake!” She exclaimed. Connor nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. “Ye- yeah. Now…  _ shut up _ . Too loud.” His head was  _ pounding _ . He groaned softly as he sat further up, reaching blindly for some water. All the smokes and crying must’ve dehydrated him. Not to mention his current position.

Taking a few long gulps, Connor sighs, Finally being able focus on something for longer than a second. “Where’re we,” he mumbled out, readjusting his seat.

Zoe slipped a burger onto Connor’s lap, pushing her soda into a cup holder. “You were out for a few hours. Passing up the taco bell you made fun of earlier. I uh. I hope it’s okay? But I started heading back after I got us burgers and gas. I know I should’ve woken you up to make sure you were ready but... I wanna be home before tuesday. Walking Dead is on so...”

He grunted, staring blankly at the food. He was still pretty groggy with sleep. After taking a slow bite from the sandwich, Connor spared her a glance. “That’s fine. Need me to drive?”

She shrugged. “Maybe in a bit. I’ll be okay for a little while longer.”

Connor shrugged and turned back to his burger. It really wasn’t all that appetising right now, to be honest. He ate a few more bites before sighing and tossing it back in the bag. Maybe he should draw some more?

He felt drained, to be completely honest. His episode earlier, leaving him a little numb and sleepy. Even after his rest. Connor chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking about all the things he revealed to Zoe. Stuff no one else knew.   
  
It was better this way though, right? He pressed a hand too his forehead, humming under his breath, as if that would somehow stop the pain that was there. It was slowly retreating from what he assumed to be the burger, but not nearly fast enough.   
  
Zoe frowned as she glanced over. “You okay?”   
  
He shrugged, pulling his hand back down. He gripped his sleeves tighter around his hands and nodded. “M’ fine.”   
  
She leveled a light glare on him before turning back towards the road. “Is that an ‘Im fine’ like earlier fine? Or are you actually fine.”   
  
Connor rolled his eyes. “I’m fine fine. Just a headache. It happens after stuff like that.”   
  
“Really? Like every time?” She asked, slight worry in her voice. “I get headaches sometimes after crying a bunch. But like. Not all the time. Only occasionally.”   
  
He shrugged, playing with the strap of his seat belt. Kind of just pushing his thumb beneath it and moving it up and down the belt. “Pretty much.”   
  
“You know that’s not good, right? Like you’re not supposed to get headaches all the time.”   
  
Connor didn’t reply. He knew she was trying to help. But he was already open once today. And his head was hurting. He knew there was something wrong with his. The last thing he needed was his little sister pointing out all the flaws. The previous numbness was waning thin, trying to edge into anger. Connor took a deep breath, holding onto the thread of calm that he still had. He knew if he flipped now, it’d ruin all the progress they’d somehow been able to build within the past few days they’d been together.   
  
Zoe huffed softly. Connor watched her bangs fly up slightly from the corner of his eye. “I’m not trying to get onto you. Just… that might be something you want to look into? Maybe it’s from something bigger that’s going on.”   
  
Pushing his hands into his pockets, Connor looks away, towards the window. Though he can still see the profile view of her face in the reflection. He refuses to make eye contact. “I know what causes it. It’s from whatever the fuck mental illness I have. But Larry and Cynthia would never let me go to the doctor, are you kidding? Fat fuckin chance.”   
  
“But… you’re 19. It’s not like they can stop you. You’ll be 20 in October.”   
  
He knew she was trying. But he couldn’t help his scoff at her response. “Yeah, but they can kick me out. And I can’t pay for that shit on my own. I’ve looked into it. Most shrinks cost at least $200 like, per visit. At least the ones for actual mental health, not just white girls wanting direction.”   
  
Zoe shot him another glare. “There’s nothing wrong with white girls wanting direction!” He rolled his eyes. “And so… I could help you.”   
  
That however got his attention. Connor swung his gaze over to stare at his sister. “What?”   
  
She shrugged casually. Like it was no big deal. But they both knew how big this was.   
  
“I like talking to you again, Connor. And if I gotta pay for you to see a therapist and get better to keep this, then so be it. Mom and dad won’t kick us both out. And if they try to kick you out for trying to get help, then we’ll leave together.” She turned to bat her eyelashes at him, a sickly sweet, “Plus, Daddy won’t ever take away his little girl’s allowance,” said between them. Connor wasn’t strong enough to hide his snort.   
  
“Shut up and drive.” She laughed in response and focused back on the road, but the conversation wasn’t over.   
  
After only a minute, she casted another glance towards him, biting her bottom lip. “Con… I’m serious. If Dad doesn’t go for it… I’ll find a way to make it happen. We both know he gives me more money than I know what to do with.”

Keeping his eyes averted from her, Connor picked at the already chipping polish on his nails. “I don’t want you spending your money on me, Zo.”

“And I don’t want you to hurt anymore. It’s not really my money anyway.”

“We don’t even know if therapy will work. My head is a fucking mess.”

She shrugged, giving him a soft smile. He stared at it longer than he’d like to admit in the reflection of the window. “Then what’s the harm in trying? And if it doesn’t work we’ll figure something else out.”

Running a frustrated hand through his hair, Connor huffed as he tugged on the ends. He fought against a smile attempting to break out. After only a moment, he easily morphed it into a frown, looking down at his lap, but keeping his hand in his hair  He refused to let his hopes get up over this. Sure she could  _ say _ she wanted to help him. And who knows, maybe right now she really did. But Connor knew how he worked. How he’d always worked.

The therapy wouldn’t work. He’d regress back to the terrible and disgusting person he his. All the hope and progress he’d managed to make would be rendered useless and everything would be stuck just as the way it had always been. “I guess.” He crossed his arms, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t going to fight her, but he knew there was really now reason to hope for a end game involving a healthy relationship lasting between them. She was light and he was dark, as edgy as it sounds.

Zoe eyed him for a sec, sighing softly. “Connor-”

“Fuck off, Zoe. I don’t want to talk about this.”

“But, Connor, I’m just-”

Swinging his head to the left, his eyes narrowed as hair flung against the sides of his face. “Shut the fuck up already. You’re not trying to do shit but annoy me. Just fucking drop it.”

Zoe’s eyes snapped forward as the car accelerated a little fister. A clipped,  _ “Fine,” _ stabbing into him. Facing forward as well, Connor took slow, deep breaths as he forced his pulse to slow back down.

Picking at his nails a little harsher than what was probably necessary, Connor let out a quiet sigh as the tense air settled between them. He bit his lip. He owed her an apology.

“Pull over?” She, though still irritated, shot him a confused glance.

“What? Why.”

“I can drive for a bit.”

“I'm fine, Connor. You don't have to drive right now.”

With a half smirk, Connor replied, “Is that an  _ ‘I’m fine’  _ fine? Or see you actually fine.”

She rolled her eyes but didn't respond. Connor bit back another sigh, rubbing his hands anxiously against his jeans. This was a bad idea- he subtly shook his head. Bad idea or not, he needed to make it up to her. She didn't deserve all the shit he put her through, much less him randomly snapping at her.

“I'm sorry, Zo. I uhh I shouldn't have snapped at you. You were trying to help. I just- I just know it won't work? And you kept pressing and I got angry and I yelled and- and yeah. Sorry.” He spared her a quick glance, but she wasn't looking at him. Just at the stretch of highway in front of them, teeth gnawing subtly on the skin inside of her lips.

After another moment of silence, Connor huffed, looking out the window. “Can you say something?”

Her hands tightened around the wheel as the car sped up again. He eyed her wearily.

“What do you want me to say? You apologized, great. Let's move on.”

“But you're still mad,” Connor half whispered, not taking his eyes from the guard rail that ran alongside them.

“Yes. I am still mad. Thank you for pointing that out.”

“So why are you still mad?”

With a frustrated sigh, Zoe closed her eyes briefly, as if holding something back. When she opened them once more, she spared him a glance. “If dad called you a faggot to your face and then said ‘I'm sorry,’ how would you react?”

“I'd be pissed.”

“Why would you be pissed? He apologized.”

“Because he wouldn't mean it.”

“And that, dear brother, would be exactly my point.”

Connor blinked, going back over there conversation, before settling into mood confusion. “You don't think I mean it?”

“Why would I? You snap at me all the time, Connor. What's the point of accepting an apology when I know you're just going to do it again?”

“Because I am actually sorry?”

She passed a large truck as she gave him another look, exasperation clear on her face. “That's not how it works.”

“How do I get you to believe me?”

“Try not doing it again?”

Now it was Connor's turn to sigh, giving her a look. “We both know that's not gonna happen. I told you how I am, Zo. It's not as simple as just not… snapping anymore.”

“I said try.”

His hands clenched a little as he faced her directly. “What the fuck do you think I was trying to do? I realised I'd fucked up, so I said I'm sorry. What more do you want from me?”

“You can't just say sorry one time, and accept me to instantly forgive you, Connor. It's a process.”

“But- i-" exasperated, Connor through his hands out before crossing them once more. He bit his cheek to keep from shouting. “Even with everything I told you? You're still going to treat me like the world's biggest Fuck up?”

“No… I'm going to treat you like my asshole brother, who's trying to get better. Apologizing is a good direction, but we've still got a ways to go, Con. Just like I wouldn't expect you to forgive everything I've put you through either. I know I've been a Bitch. I'm trying not to be anymore. But-”

“But you'll probably still be. I get it.” He huffed, looking away. “You're saying you don't forgive me, but if I keep apologizing, maybe one day you will.”

With a small smile, Zoe nodded, though it quickly fell as she bit her lip. “Is that alright?”

Connor sighed, slipping further down into his seat. “Yeah it's fine. I get it.”

“Connor,” she started, sigh already escaping, but Connor shook his head, cutting her off.

“No, Zo, really. It’s fine.  _ I get it _ . I… I’d rather it be this way anyway. So when I fuck up again I don’t hurt you as much.”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Maybe not, but it’s not an impossibility.”

“Connor…”

Silence settled over them, thick and uncomfortable. Connor bit the inside of his cheek, staring at his middle finger, which was the only one not painted black. Instead painted as a rainbow. He laughed softly beneath his breath, gaining Zoe’s attention.

“What?”

He shook his head, looking out the window. “It’s nothing.”

A smile took place as she turned back towards the road. “Nothing, my ass. The great Connor Murphy doesn't smile over nothing. What’s up?”

Shaking his head, Connor chuckled a bit again, looking back at the rainbow finger. “Remember when Larry was telling you he didn’t want you watching that show?”

“The one with the lesbians?”

“Yeah.”

She hummed. “Yeah what about it?”

“Well uhh while you guys were fighting, I went upstairs and stole your nail polish?”

“I was wondering how you got so many colors on there. I know you only own black and grey.”

“Yeah well, anyways, after you stormed off, I flipped him off with this,” He demonstrated to her, earning a laugh.

“Oh no. What’d you say? I know you didn’t just leave it at that.”

“Yeah I uh. I said,  _ ‘You can take this gay finger and your homophobic opinion and shove them both up your ass’ _ .”

“I-  _ Connor _ .  _ That doesn’t even make much sense.” _

“Look, man. I was pissed and wanted to paint my nail a rainbow, alright?”

“How pissed was he?”

“Remember when he went on that hunt to take away all the nail polish? Even yours?”

“ _ No.  _ That _ was not  _ because of that _. _ ”

Connor smirked as Zoe laughed. “Oh my gosh, Con, That’s  _ terrible _ . He was seriously  _ that _ pissed!?”

“Apparently.”

“You know, you didn’t have to do that. He’d have gotten over it eventually.”

Connor shrugged. “It was fun.”

“Yeah well, your fun probably saved me a month of hearing him bitch about my shows so… thanks I guess.”

“Thanks I guess? Now you’re sounding like me.”

“Shut up!’ She giggled, though it was interrupted by a quick yawn. Connor shot her a look.

“Need me to take over?”

“Don’t you still have headache?”

He shrugged. “S’ not so bad now.” In truth it was still pulsing, but not nearly to the severity as it was earlier. Certainly nothing he hadn’t dealt with before.

“Well… if you’re sure…”

“Just pull over, dude,” he replies, rolling his eyes.

They quickly switched seats, pulling back onto the road. Zoe had taken to flipping through Connor’s old note book again, humming along to whatever crap she’d convinced him to let her play through the radio.

“Hey uhh. Remember the beginning of last year? When I texted you all that mean stuff?”

Her head shot up from the book to Connor. Connor’s arms locked on the wheel. He didn’t know what he was doing. He had no reason to tell her anything. But… he wanted to keep this. And she needed to know…

“Yeah?” She answered. Trepidation in her voice.

… That he was sorry.

He swallowed hard, keeping his eyes locked on the road.

“Connor?”

Forcing a deep breath, he spared her a glance before locking back on the road. He had to do this.

“I uhm. I tried to kill myself that day.”

It was only a quick beat of silence before Zoe nearly shouted a loud, “ _ What _ ,” into the space between them. Connor let out a dry laugh, shaking just slightly.

“Yeah uhh. That night after school, I-”

“Connor! What are you-”

“I went to the park and had some blades with me and like half a bottle of mom's-”

“ _ Connor Lawrence Murphy _ . You  _ cannot _ just drop something like that on me!”

He glanced down briefly, closing back up. “You're right. I… forget it. Sorry.”

“What? No nonono. I just… give me a second to process, Okay?”

He nodded slowly, still not looking at her.

“Alright. Okay so. You really…” it seemed like she couldn't finish the sentence. Connor nodded anyway.

“Yeah.”

“And no one knows about this?”

He shook his head. “No one.”

“No offense but… why are you telling me? You were just angry that I was prying.”

He shrugged. “I dunno. You said you wanted to help? I guess? And…” He shrugged again. “I dunno. Seemed like a good idea.”

“It just  _ seemed _ like a good idea to  _ casually  _ tell your sister that you  _ tried to kill yourself. _ ”

He shrugged a third time. This was a bad idea. He should find a way to back pedal.

As if sensing his anxiety, Zoe sighed, rubbing a hand down her face. After a few more moments, she turned to him, shifting in place uncomfortably. “Do you…. Still want to?”

He was really getting tired of shrugging. “Sometimes? Not so much as I did then. School… sucks.”

She nodded, as if she understood. For once, Connor let that slide, rather than getting angry at her false attempts to understand.

He cleared his throat. “Anyway. I’m sorry. About the text. I… I didn’t mean any of that, I was just…”

“Angry and upset?”

“Among other things.”

Drinking some more water, Zoe casted him another glance before looking down at her phone intently. “I uhm,” she started. “I’m glad you failed. Or- uh- you know what I mean. I’m glad you’re still here. Can I ask you something though?”

He rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

“You said you had blades? And mom’s medication… Do you…”

He froze up, realizing his slip up. This was exactly what he wanted to keep from her.

“Do what,” he feigned, but he knew it was useless. He could already see her putting the pieces together.

“Do you… hurt yourself?”

“No,” he spat out.

“Connor. Con, pullover.”

He shook his head, feeling a sting bite at his eyes.  _ Damnit. _ This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Please?” He looked over, eyes widening slightly at the worry and concern she expressed on her open face.

With a dramatic huff, he did as she asked, turning off the engine. They sat in silence for only a moment before Zoe was taking a deep breath.

“Can I see them?”

“There’s nothing to see.”

“You wouldn’t take your jacket off at the hotel.”

“I was cold.”

“When you got poison ivy last year you refused to roll your sleeves up so mom could see it.”

“I didn’t want to spread it to her.”

“You always flinch when dad grabs you by the arm.”

“He’s strong.”

“I haven’t seen you in short sleeves since  _ junior high _ .”

“Die for the aesthetic.”

“ _ Connor, please. _ I’m being serious.”

He shook his head again, tears welling up to fast for him to fight it. He clenched his fists, pressing them into his thighs.

Zoe looked out the window for a second before unbuckling her seat belt and getting out of the car. Before he knew it, she was on his side, opening the door. “Come here.”

He didn’t look at her, instead staring- no.  _ Glaring _ , at his jacket covered arms. “Why.”

“I need to talk to you and I’m tired of sitting in a car, please?”

He sighed and nodded, but made no intent to move. He might not be fighting her, but he damn sure wasn’t going to be useful.

She sighed, reaching over to unbuckle him. He leaned back letting her. Once the belt was out of the way, she took his hand gently, pulling him from the car. “Come on. I saw some rocks over there that we can sit on.”

He followed obediently until she was sitting him down. He felt numb. He felt distant. Like a ghost. Like he was here but not. Zoe sat beside him, bumping shoulders, but he only flicked his eyes towards her.

“Con? You okay?”

He shrugged again. He knew what this was. He recognized this tethered feeling the moment it began. Not a surprise. He spent most of senior year feeling like this. Hell. Most of High School was like this.

“Can I see them?”

He shrugged for the millionth time that day. She sighed, pushing some hair behind her ear. “Can I get a verbal answer?”

“I don’t care.”

It didn’t matter. She already knew. Knew how messed up he was. She’d think he was some freak who took pleasure in the way a blade feels when it cuts into him. There was no more hiding. So what was the point in keeping it from her.

And sure enough, Zoe was crouching in front of him, unzipping his jacket and sliding it off. She had to maneuver his arms around however with a huff. After laying the jacket down where she’d been sitting, she met Connor’s empty eyes, before looking back down and rolling up a sleeve.

He’d never forget the tears she spilled after she did so.

After a gasp, her eyes grew watery and shiny as she ran two fingers down years of scarring and burns. He shivered, not used to such a foreign touch on his pale arms.

“How long…”

“Ninth grade,” he managed out.

She bit her lip, presumably holding back more tears.

He looked away, not wanting to handle her or his arms anymore, but it was answer enough. He hated the wet line that made its way down his face.

She held his hand, squeezing slightly, trying to get his attention. He looked forward, but not on her. His focus was off, pinned on something over her shoulder. He wasn’t really sure what.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

They already went over this. He didn’t understand why she kept asking. “No one cared, Zo.” He cringed as the second tear fell.

And then he was being wrapped up in a hug. Zoe’s arms tightened around his neck as she pulled him against her. He went without much resistance, as he was more shocked than anything. She was crying. He awkwardly placed his own arms around her. Everything felt off, but even he knew to hug back when your sister is crying on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she forced out. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Connor.”

He made an odd noise, holding her to him. “Why are you sorry? I- Don't you hate me for this?”

She pulled back, and that was probably worse than her crying against him. Because now he could see tear streaks and red eyes. He always hated making Zoe cry. “I thought we already went over this. I never hated you.”

“But i was so-”

“Yeah you were a dick, but you were hurting. And had no one to turn to. You’re still my brother. I still love you.”

His breath stuttered in his chest. Zoe  _ loved him. _ When was the last time someone said that to him? His mom used to, but she stopped after he started yelling at her for it. Never in a million years did he think he’d hear someone say that to him again.

“Connor?” She asked, worriedly. He couldn’t help the pained sound that escaped his throat.

“You love me?” he asked, voice wavering just slightly. He was more vulnerable in his distant state.

“I- of course I do. I always have. I love you, Connor. You’re the only brother I’ve got.”

And just like he was crying.

As he pitched forward, she was there to catch him, arms wrapping tightly around him once more.

“I love you too.  _ God, Zo _ I love you so much. I’m sorry. I’m so  _ fucking _ sorry.”

She hushed him as he rambled to her. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying at this point, but soon she was crying as well and they were just two big messes on the side of the highway. It was good though. They needed this. And when Connor ran out of tears, out of breath and clinging to his sister, she took care of him. She rolled his sleeves back down slowly, slipping his coat back on and guided him back to the car. It was nice. He couldn't remember the last time someone took care of him. Placing them both in the back, exhausted and eyes bloodshot, she’d pulled out her phone, booting up netflix to play random episodes from different shows. Until tears were long gone and laughter took place, quickly followed by heavy yawns.

Things were still weird. He still wasn’t good. But it was getting better.  _ They _ were getting better. If only a little bit.


	6. DAY SIX

**June 1st Daddy Issues / Home Life School Life / Birthdays and Childhoods**

 

“Happy Birthday!”

 

Connor groaned, throwing an arm over his face.  _ “What?” _

 

The car began to shake slightly as she bounced in her seat. “It’s my birthday! Connor, wake up! We gotta go get cake!”

 

“What, I’m-  _ Zoe fuck off. It’s too early.” _

 

Zoe huffed, shifting so the sun shone directly into Connor’s half open eyes. He squeezed them shut with a groan. “Connor, it’s  _ my birthday. _ You’re buying me a cake.”

 

“Can’t you just get it yourself?”

 

“ _ No! _ I can’t  _ buy my own birthday cake! _ We’re gonna drive to Walmart and you’re gonna buy me one!”

 

He sat up, figuring she obviously wasn’t going to let him go back to sleep anytime soon. Rubbing almost violently at his eyes, he let out a jaw popping yawn, moving his hand to scratch at his hair. He had to blink a few times to take in everything.

 

They were still on the side of the road. His back hurt. His head was heavy, but not as pounding as it was yesterday so that’s cool he supposed. One pant leg was pushed up his calf from the odd angle. And his shoes were nowhere to be seen.

 

He yawned a second time and faced Zoe who was the exact picture of sunshine. If sunshine also had messy hair one can only achieve from sleeping in a car and smudged makeup.

 

“What’s going on?” He asked in a flat tone.

 

Sighing dramatically, Zoe started again. “It’s my birthday. We’re going to Walmart. You’re buying me a cake.”

 

A smirk pulled at his lips as Connor met her gaze, replying, “no.”

 

_ “Cooooonnor.” _ She drew out his name, trying to appear innocent and guilt him into agreeing. Instead Connor huffed out a short laugh and collapsed back against the seats, covering his face and stretching out his long legs to press against the window.

 

“Nah. You do it.”

 

She flopped on top of him, becoming dead weight. Connor gasped as she started to laugh.

 

“Get off of me, freak.”

 

“Not until you agree to buy me a cake!”

 

He rolled his eyes. “I could just knock you off.”

 

“Then I’ll just get back on.”

 

“You’re the devil.”

 

“And you won’t bUY YOUR SISTER A BIRTHDAY CAKE.”

 

Connor rolled his eyes, a long drawn out, “Fiiiiine,” said into fabric covered car seats. Zoe Whooped, giggling a little and sat up, getting off of him. He sat up with another groan, back popping a bit, and started subconsciously pushing boney fingers through tangled, knotted, hair.

 

Zoe smacked an annoying kiss onto his cheek, before unlocking the door to hop out. Connor looked around half assed for his shoes, but upon not seeing them right away, he just shrugged and followed after her.

 

They quickly moved to the front seats, Connor behind the wheel once again, following phone directions to the nearest Walmart.

 

Within minutes they were there, shutting off the car as Zoe bounced in her seat next to him.

 

He started to get out but upon seeing her making no move to follow, he froze, throwing her an impatient look.

 

“Well? Aren’t you coming?”

 

She giggled, overing part of her mouth. “No? Why would i?  _ You’re _ getting me the cake, Con. Why would I come in?”

 

“Uhh, to pick out this fuckin cake you want?”

 

She rolled her eyes, still smiling though so Connor tried not to take it to heart. “Some big brother you are. Don’t even know what cake his sister likes!”

 

That hit a little home though. Despite the light atmosphere, Connor could feel his stomach sink. He looked down at his hands. “I’m trying, Zo. You can’t just expect me to wake up with all the knowledge of how to be a good brother after like three days of whatever the Fuck this is.”

 

Her smile dropped quickly as Zoe shifted to lean forward, grabbing Connor’s hand gently. Her Electric blue nails looked kind of cool near his chipped black ones.

 

“What? Con, no. Nonono You’re doing great, I was just teasing you. I’m sorry.”

 

He pulled his hand away with a huff, looking out of the car. “Oh. Whatever then.”

 

“Red Velvet. I like red velvet cake. With Vanilla icing. Or german chocolate. Both are good.”

 

He huffed out a breath, reaching for the door again. “Red velvet it is. German chocolate is gross.”

 

“You’re gross!”

 

He slammed the car door shut as a response, but there was a smile on both of their faces. He knew they were alright for now.

 

Still barefoot, Connor made his way inside of the large grocery store. It wasn’t as busy as it could’ve been, as it was roughly 10am on a saturday morning.. He silently sighed in relief at that. Rather than heading straight to the cakes however, he made his way to the jewelry instead. Girls like jewelry right? Zoe was always wearing earrings and a necklace, occasionally stuff in her hair too. He’d never really seen her with too many rings though. He should actually get her something for her birthday he supposed.

 

He stopped at the jewelry department, eyes widening. There was a lot more than he originally thought? What did she even like. What if he got her the wrong thing? What if she thought he was being inconsiderate for getting her something dumb. He should just say fuck it and get the cake right?

 

But as he turned to high tail it out of the area, a woman a little older than him approached him.

 

“Last minute gift?”

 

He turned towards her, immediately frowning. “How could you tell?”

 

She smiled genuinely, casting a glance down his appearance. “You don’t exactly look put together. And judging from your expression, you have no idea what to look for.”

 

Connor bit back an unnecessary comment about her minding her own fucking business and nodded tightly. She stood next to him, looking at the wall.

 

“Girlfriend?”

 

He spit out a harsh laugh, shaking his head. “Nah, baby sister.”

 

The woman’s face colored a little at her mistake but continued to smile nonetheless. “My apologies. How old is she?”

 

“17 today.”

 

“Oh my, that’s a big number.”

 

Connor shrugged. He never understood the freak out over birthdays. It was just another day. He remembered spending his 17th birthday listening to his parents yell at each other about how to  _ deal _ with him. Larry wanted to ground him again. Cynthia wanted to take them all to a family resort to  _ sort out their issues _ . Zoe was at a friends house. He’d finished the night off by climbing out his window and getting as high as he possibly could in some trees that are now a stupid subdivision. If it was up to him, no one would ever celebrate his birthday. But this wasn’t about him.

 

It was about Zoe. And She loves her birthday. He didn’t want to mess this up.

 

At his lack of response, the worker casted him a glance before turning back to the wall. “Any suggestions of what she might like?”

 

He shrugged again. “Hell if I know. She likes stars? And i think butterflies and shit too.”

 

“Hmm alright. We can work with that. Do you know what she prefers to wear?”

 

“She likes earrings. And necklaces. And hair clip things.”

 

“Okay so we’ve got stars, butterflies, earrings, necklaces, and hair clips. Do you know if she likes simple stuff? Or more eye catching.”

 

He stared at the woman for a second. “I uh…” He shrugged. Eye catching? Simple? It’s just fuckin jewelry.

 

She laughed good naturedly, grating against Connor’s nerves. He had to hold it together however so he took a subtle deep breath, counting down from five.

 

She hummed for a second before lighting up with an idea. “Do you maybe have a picture of her? So I can get a feel for her style?”

 

He thinks about it for a second before nodding. He has to have a picture of her somewhere in his phone.

 

After a few minutes of scrolling, it becomes apparent that no. He doesn’t. As his stomach sinks again and guilt nips at his spine, Connor Instead opens a browser, searching for her instagram he knows she runs. That only takes a minute and just as long, if not shorter to find a full body picture of her. It’s her and Alana. They’re at some kind of museum, grinning into the camera. Connor smiles a little. She really is the opposite of him. Where he’s self deprecating angst, she’s optimistic passion. He hands his phone over to the worker.

 

It only takes a moment for her to look at the picture before handing it back with a helpful grin. “I know just the thing!”

 

Connor obediently follows her as she goes to the opposite end of the area.

 

Offering a necklace with a glass ball the size of a quarter holding the design of a galaxy within, the lady smiles towards Connor, asking, “How’s this one look.”

 

He shrugged, ready to just get the hell out of there when he sees it.

 

The woman frowned as he pushed past her, but didn’t say anything, instead watching as he picks up a different necklace. “This one. I want to buy this one.”

 

The woman hummed to herself. “Just so you know, that necklace is more suited for children. Are you sure she’d like it?” He just nodded in response.

 

It was stainless steel with a saturn charm at the end. Stars and moons hanging from the sides. Simple but Zoe. He wasn’t sure why, but the necklace just seemed to scream his sisters name.

 

The lady helped him pick out some small star shaped earrings to go with it and rang him up. She tried to speak to him once more, but Connor was already walking away. Before he completely left the jewelry department however, he saw a small pair of hair clips with a shiny gold star on them. Figuring it matched the theme, he shrugged, slipping the hair clips into his pocket. He quickly headed to the cake section, finding a simple, round, red velvet cake with chocolate frosting. That’s what she said she likes, right? The lady asked if he wanted anything written on it but he shook his head, just paying for the damn thing and booking it out of the store. That was enough stranger interaction for one day.

 

Slamming the door shut behind him, Connor climbed back into the car with a huff of irritation. Zoe jumped from the nap she was taking in the passenger seat.

 

“You’re back! That look a while.”

 

He shrugged, putting the cake on the dashboard and handing her the plastic bag. “Happy Birthday.”

 

Staring at the bag for a second, Zoe looked back up before smiling brightly and digging into the bag. She pulled out the necklace and earrings and gasped, making Connor look determinedly away.

 

“Oh, Connor, I love them! That you!”

 

He shrugged before remembering the clips he’d stolen. “Oh uhm. Also these. I don’t know they made me think of you.” He dug them out tossing them over. Zoe’s eyes widened as she took a sharp intake of air. She didn’t reply however, instead just picking them up to admire the childish hair clips.

 

Connor looked over, furrowing his brow. “Do you not like them? I can take them back.” He couldn’t really, but he could just toss them. Or maybe leave them on a bench for someone to find.

 

Zoe shook her head though, suddenly holding them to her chest. Tears beaded up in her eyes. Connor stiffened. He thought he did good? But she was crying? He bit the inside of his cheek.

 

“Oh no. Please don’t, I  _ love _ them. I… Don’t you remember?”

 

He shook his head slowly. He had no idea honestly as to why she was reacting like this.

 

Zoe looked back down at them, quickly rubbing at her damp eyes. “For christmas when I was in elementary. I don’t remember how old. But you got me star shaped hair clips. I wore them until junior high when Jacob Richardson broke them.”

 

“... Jacob. Isn’t that the guy I punched in the throat?”

 

She laughed, looking back up at Connor. Her smile could easily light up a room. “Yeah! Because he said you were-”

 

“Gay for hanging out with you. Yeah I remember now.”

 

That had been just before everything for him took a turn. When he still saw good in the world. When his family didn’t hate him. After that fight, he started to get into  _ more _ fights. Teachers started to connect the printer incident and deem him as a ‘ _ Lost Cause _ ’. He smiled a little at the memory though. Connor may not have the greatest memory but he could easily remember a much smaller seventh grade Zoe Murphy standing slightly behind an eighth grade Connor, shouting at Jacob not to mess with them anymore.

 

“I uhh. I didn’t realise that. When I grabbed them. I just thought you’d like them.”

 

“You did great. I  _ love  _ them.” She grinned, popping in the clips, despite the nest that was her hair still. She set the necklace and earrings aside, pulling the cake down. She frowned. “...How are we going to eat this.”

 

Connor shrugged. “I don’t like cake.”

 

“Fuck off, yes you do.” He grinned, leaning the seat back, with his hands folded behind his head.

 

“Shhh don’t expose my secrets.”

 

“Connor!”

 

Cringing, Connor glared at her. “ _ What. _ ”

 

“We need forks! Or spoons! Or something.”

 

He shrugged in response, turning away. “Not my problem. You wanted a cake, I got the cake. Use your hands.”

 

“Connor, please? Pretty please?”

 

He turned his back to her. “No.”

 

“ _ Connor. _ ”

 

He made a show of digging out his head phones to push into his ears. He didn’t play any music, but she didn’t need to know that.

 

After Zoe had given up trying to force him and gone into the store to grab forks, the cake was quickly half eaten and then tossed away as they pulled onto the road again. Connor was smiling, if only a little. Zoe was dancing in her seat as music played from the car's speakers.

 

It was odd. Thinking back to her last birthday, Connor remembered Zoe screaming at him and him screaming back. Slammed doors and broken hearts. Just one year ago and now things were so drastically different. He liked it though.

 

This was good different.

 

Zoe shot him a smile, bumping his shoulder with hers. He grinned back, turning the music up a little more.

 

He drummed his fingers to the beat on the steering wheel. He was pretty content with today.


	7. DAY SEVEN

**June 2nd Relationships and Friendships / Influences**

 

“I think you should tell him.”

 

Connor swerved slightly, glaring at her. “I'm not telling him.”

 

“Oh come on! Evan is  _ so _ nice. Like ridiculously nice. At least try to be his friend?”

 

“How would you even know? You don't talk to him.”

 

“I talk to him more than you. We had English together two years ago. He's really nice, Con.”

 

“And I'm not. What's your point.”

 

She sighed, moving the charm on her necklace back and forth. Connor felt his stomach warm up upon seeing it was the one he bought her. He looked away though, still holding onto his irritation.

 

“Connor, seriously. What could even go wrong? I could get his number and you could say hi and-”

 

“It's not fucking happening, Zoe. So just drop it.” He growled at the car as the little orange gas light popped on. Perfect. He needed a cigarette anyway.

 

“We could go somewhere super casual, right? Like the mall or something-”

 

“Can you actually imagine me or Evan at the fucking mall?” He barked out a harsh laugh. “I hate people and he's scared of his own shadow. It'd be a disaster waiting to happen.”

 

“Okay so we'll do something else! Not everything is doomed to fail, ya know.”

 

“Actually it is. But thanks for the pep talk anyway, sis. If you're so insistent about this, then why don't you just tell Alana?”

 

Zoe choked, turning red, and quickly looked down. “That's different.”

 

He leveled a flat glare at her as he pulled into a gas station. “How the fuck is it different?”

 

“It just…,” she shrugged. “It just is! You and Evan could actually have something! Alana and me, we're just friends. She wouldn't want anything like that with me.”

 

Rolling his eyes, he held out his hand as he set the car in park. “You don’t know that. She’s your friend.”

 

“And Evan could be yours.”

 

He leveled another glare at her, despite knowing it apparently has little effect now. “Don’t change the subject.”

 

“You changed it first!”

 

“Fuck off, go pay for the gas.”

 

“Ugh! Fine.” She turned to open her door when an idea popped into his head.

 

“Wait. Give me your phone.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

Groaning, Connor snatched up the phone, turning to get out of the car. “Don't worry about it. Just- go. Pay for gas. I'll give it right back. Mine's dead.”

 

She rolled her eyes, a mumbled, “Whatever,” beneath her breath, but grabbed some cash from her purse before making her way to the store. Once she was out of sight, Connor opened her contacts.

 

_ ‘Alana _


	8. LAST DAY

**June 3rd FREE DAY / Fantasy / Time Warp / Fate Swap**

 

Waking up was a difficult process. First he noticed the hard bumps pressing against his back. Second he felt his clothes cling to him from sweat. And third, he heard the annoying ass snoring coming from his right.

With a soft groan, Connor untangled himself from His sister’s leech like arms and crawled across the platicy floor to unzip the tent door and climb outside. As fresh air hit his face, he sighed, looking up to the stars.

He wished he had his weed. This would be a great night to get high on. But unfortunately, he’d promised Zoe he wouldn’t bring it on the trip. He knew it was just her subtle way of getting him to stop though. He rolled his eyes. Yeah fuckin right. Weed isn’t even bad. Maybe he could sneak in a few articles with the BPD stuff she’d been reading recently. Ever since he was properly diagnosed, Her and Alana had been pouring over research. Looking for better ways to help and stuff since there was no cure. It kind of irritated him, but it was kind of sweet too, so he never said anything.

Sitting on the picnic table, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and lit one, taking a slow inhale. He heard a cough in front of him.

Connor narrowed his eyes on a hunched figure sitting under the tree beside him.

“Ev?”

The boy in question, looked up with a small smile. “Hey. Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Connor shrugged. “What are you doing out here?”

Evan looked back up at the sky, leaning against the tree. “I could ask you the same.”

Moving to sit next to him, Connor sat cross legged, taking another hit. He made sure to blow the smoke away from Evan though. “Fuckin Jared.”

Evan laughed, pushing their shoulders together. “That’s fair.”

That sat in silence as Connor slowly finished off the cigarette. He stubbed it into the ground when it was done and leaned back to drop it into a half drank soda can. Lately Evan had really been getting onto hm about leaving cigarette butts everywhere on the ground.

“You really okay though?”

Evan nodded, smiling a little wider. Connor believed it and smiled back. “Yeah. I just really like this park, ya know.”

“You used to work here, right?”

He nodded. “Didn’t like it so much then.”

“Why not?”

Evan fidgeted with his hands. “Bad memories. But that’s okay. You're here n- ahh you guys are here with me now. So I’m replacing them with good memories. Is that weird?”

Connor shrugged. “I mean my entire life is a bad memory so. Makes sense to me.”

Evan bumped his shoulder into him with a huff. “Don’t say that.”

Rolling his eyes, Connor leaned back against the tree, stretching out his legs. “You’ve been hanging around Zoe too much.”

“I’m glad you guys could come,” he rushed out. Connor casted a quick glance down at Evan before looking back at the sky.

“Me too.”

Evan shifted, lifting up Connor’s arm to pull it over his shoulders. Connor snorted, looking down at him. “What are you doing.”

“I’m cold,” was he response, before nervously looking up at Connor. “This is okay, right?”

Connor nodded, placing a careful kiss onto Evan’s forehead.

He froze almost immediately.

“Uhhhh.”

Even stared, wide eyed.

“Sorry?”

Taking a deep breath, Evan looked straight ahead, but as Connor started to pull his arm away, Evan held on tighter.

Red faced and trembling slightly, Evan looked up just long enough to press a short kiss to Connor’s jaw. He looked ahead again, but was grinning.

“That was… okay? He asked. Evan nodded immediately.

“More than okay.”

Connor grinned back, wrapping his arm a little tighter around Evan.

It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep,leaning against a tall tree in the middle of the night.

WHen Connor woke up, it was too obnoxious giggling and a flash of a camera.

His arm was dead, his skin felt sticky, and his ass and back hurt. But his side was comfortably warm as the sun was still rising. He opened his eyes to squint up at Zoe. “What the fuck?”

She laughed, pointedly looking at his side before bouncing away. He could hear her and Alana exchanging gross sappy morning kisses and shit.

With a sigh, he started to pull up before his arm tugged an unconscious Evan down to fall into his lap. The moment he impacted though, Evan sat straight up with wide eyes.

Connor laughed, reaching up with his living hand to mess with his hair. “Morning.”

After realising he was safe, Evan ducked out from under Connor’s hand and rubbed at his eyes smiling. “You’ve been laughing a lot more lately.” His voice was rougher than normal and _doing_ things to Connor’s waking, weak, mind. He shrugged and pulled himself up to stand. Anything to distract himself.

“Have a lot to be happy about lately, I guess.”

Evan stood up as well, standing a little closer than normal. “That’s good?”

“It’s good.”

“Hey love birds! Stop making out and come eat breakfast.”

Without looking back, Connor flipped Jared off. Evan laughed, looking adorably pleased with the current situation. “Wanna go for a walk?” He suggested.

Evan looked behind Connor and back at him again. “We’ll miss breakfast.”

“Eh, I’m not really all that hungry.”

“Don’t you think you should take your medication first?”

He shrugged. “I’ll take em when we get back, just don’t let me forget.”

“You're just trying to get me alone.”

Connor nearly choked. “ _Hansen._ Are you actually flirting with me?”

Evan turned red, biting his lip. “Is it working?”

“Hell yeah, it is.” He grabbed Evan’s hand with a flush of his own, and looked back for a second to shout, “Hey we’re going for a walk! We’ll be back.”

Before they could make it a step further though, Zoe was responding with a whined. “I wanna go!”

Groaning, Connor let go of Evan’s hand to glare at his sister. “Fuck off.”

“Alana, wanna go for a walk with Evan and Connor?”

Alana looked up from the book she had began to read. “Hmm? Sure! That sounds lovely.”

Zoe turned to stick her tongue out at Connor. Jared looked up from the fire he was cooking on. “Hey now! You’re all just gonna leave me here alone? What the shit guys!”

Evan retorted back as Jared and Zoe got into an argument. Connor watched them with a small smile.

These were his friends. These four fuckin idiots made him feel happy and appriciated. Just a year ago he had been a depressed, lonely boy, trying to convince his sister not to go on a road trip with him. A year ago he’d have never thought he’d see half these people here again.

Today he was maybe still depressed, but he was getting better. He had an understanding therapist. He had an apartment with his best friend and his idiot cousin or whatever the fuck Evan and Jared are. He had hope in his chest that he for once didn’t want to fight.

Evan grabbed hold of Connor’s hand again, lifting a finger to his lips. Connor got the hint and grinned as he pulled him away from the two bickering.

Tomorrow might be bad. And the next day might be worse. But today he was Happy. And that wasn’t something he was willing to give up anytime soon. Even with nasty ass bugs everywhere. He really hated camping.

It’s crazy how a weird ass road trip with your sister can change everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyy I wanna thank my wonderful friends for supporting and encouraging me to finish this fic. So ilysm Elliot, Aam, Mari, Fe, Kurt, Juice, Plant, Fe, Fish, Ashey, Nicole, and everyone else who read through this and helped me keep going. I honestly don't think I'd have finished it without yalls constant push :')
> 
> And for those I don't know, thank you so much for reading!! This was a lot of fun! I'm terrible at responding but I love comments!! So Tell me what you thought?


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